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Difficulty with social skills and trouble developing and maintaining meaningful relationships are known to be a central issue for those on the autism spectrum. Romantic relationships in particular may be challenging, with the majority of adults with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) living without a romantic partner. Despite the myth that people with ASD are less interested in romantic relationships, many (if not most) adults will tell you that they have the same desire for love as anyone else; they just may not know how to go about finding it.

So how does one go about finding love and forming romantic attachments?  

The answer to that age-old question may be difficult for even the most socially savvy of neurotypicals; adding autism to the mix may only serve to make the solution more puzzling.  

Step by Step

The question of how to develop and maintain meaningful relationships, including romantic ones, is central to the mission of our research at UCLA. The Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills (PEERS®) is the platform on which we teach social skills, including how to date and form romantic relationships. Using concrete rules and steps of social behavior, discovered through research, PEERS® seeks to break down seemingly abstract behavior, like flirting, into concrete and digestible parts.  

How does this work? Consider flirting as an example. Many of us know what it looks like, and many may even be able to do it, but would we be able to break down the act of flirting into its step-by-step components? Rather than relying on our instincts about what flirting should look like, the PEERS® model utilizes research to tell us how it’s done.

To illustrate, imagine a couple, each interested in and attracted to the other, noticing each other in a crowded room. How do they show their interest and flirt across the room without using words?

Step 1: Description of the Steps

They begin by making eye contact briefly. Then they smile very slightly. Then they look away. What’s next? They look back again and repeat the whole cycle. In these four simple steps, we have described the act of flirting. But is the presentation of these four steps enough to teach a person with autism how to flirt?  

Step 2: Role Play

The next step in the process of teaching flirting is to demonstrate what this behavior should look like, and equally important, what it should not look like. We call these demonstrations role-playing exercises and, in PEERS®, these demonstrations are acted out by typically developing peers. The first role-play of flirting will represent what not to do and will highlight some of the common social errors committed by adults with ASD.  

In this bad example, rather than give a slight smile when eye contact is made, one of the peer coaches will demonstrate giving a huge teeth-baring smile, while staring at the other person, refusing to look away. Participants will then be asked to identify what was wrong with that example of flirting and to consider what that experience might have been like from the perspective of the receiver.  

This bad example will, of course, be followed by a good role-play demonstration of how to flirt appropriately, using our four simple steps, along with another exercise in perspective taking.  

Step 3: Rehearsal

To ensure that our participants can successfully follow these steps, students rehearse by taking turns practicing flirting with a male or female peer coach, depending on their preference, while receiving performance feedback from the treatment team.  

Step 4: Homework

Finally, in order to generalize this skill to more natural settings, participants are given a homework assignment to practice flirting with someone during the week, but only if they are truly interested and attracted to the person. A review of the homework is conducted in the following week, and the use of this strategy is modified and individualized as necessary.  This is just one example of the types of skills taught in PEERS®, the only evidence-based social skills program for teens and young adults with ASD. Through these simple How-To steps of social behavior, we decode and demystify the social landscape, enriching and improving the lives of those living on the autism spectrum.

Research with PEERS® has been supported through generous grants from the Organization for Autism Research, the National Institutes of Health, and the Shapell and Guerin Family Foundation. For more information, please visit the UCLA PEERS® Clinic website at www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/.

Elizabeth Laugeson, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant clinical professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences at the UCLA Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior. As co-developer of PEERS®, an evidence-based social skills program for adolescents and adults with autism spectrum disorder, she is the author of two treatment manuals and one parent book. She is the founder and director of the UCLA PEERS® Clinic and director of The Help Group – UCLA Autism Research Alliance, as well as an OAR-funded researcher.