Sexual Activity

Introduction: Sexual Activity

Sex and sexual activity are big topics that can be difficult for most people to understand. If you are on the autism spectrum, it might be especially hard to understand all the social nuances related to sexual activity.

In this section, we will discuss the basics of:

• What sex is
• Why people have sex
• When people have sex
• How people talk about sex
• What people do when they have sex
• How to communicate sexual and autism-specific needs with partners

This section of the guide will cover the basics of sex and sexual behaviors, but don’t expect to be an “expert” or know everything about sex after reading it. Your values and thoughts about sex and how to communicate about sex are things you can always learn more about.

A Note on How We Talk About Sex in This Guide

In this resource, we want to give you accurate, specific information. And for that reason, we might use phrases that are not commonly used informally when talking with friends or partners. For example, we use terms like “sexual behaviors,” “sexual experiences,” and “sexual activities” instead of simply “having sex,” because we want to acknowledge that some behaviors, experiences, and activities are sexual even though they don’t always include the act of having sex. In social situations, you might hear people talk about the same things, but use terms like “hooking up” or “making out.”

We are not using those terms because they are hard to define, and we want to make sure you understand what exactly we are talking about. However, if you use these more precise terms in casual conversations about sex, they might sound odd. To help you make the distinction, we are including some slang terms with definitions of specific activities throughout the section.

What Is Sex?

You might have heard people say they want to “have sex.” Sex is a way to experience and express pleasure and intimacy with yourself and others (like a partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, or any person with whom you have a relationship in which you both want to be physically intimate).

But the word “sex” can mean many different things to different people. Because “sex” is not just one activity, a lot of words and behaviors might be involved when people say they are “having sex.” For example, you might hear people talk about sex like it is only one activity: penile-vaginal intercourse (which we will explain more later in this section). In fact, sometimes, this is the only thing people are referring to when they ask, “Did you have sex?” But this is not the only definition of sex. The most commonly discussed types of sex are vaginal intercourse, anal sex, and oral sex. But lots of people define sex as any physical contact with another person that feels sexual.

Sex is a normal, natural, and healthy activity that people engage in for many reasons. Sexual behaviors can include touching, kissing, vaginal intercourse, oral sex, masturbation, and many other things. Any two people are physically capable of having sex, no matter their gender or sex.

Why Do People Have Sex?

People have sex for a lot of reasons. Some include:

• To connect with another person
• To express feelings for another person
• To feel good or have fun
• To conceive a baby (this is only possible in certain circumstances – learn more here)
• To release sexual tension (which can be a desire felt in the body or mind)
• To relax muscle tension

There are no set rules regarding dating and sexual activity. You are never required to have sex (or do anything sexual) with someone just because you’ve gone on a certain number of dates or spent a certain amount of time together. You are also not obligated to have sex (or do anything sexual) just because someone says you “should” have sex or that they want to have sex. When people have sex because they feel like they “have to” or “should,” sex doesn’t feel as emotionally good as it does when people have sex because they want to. In such cases, it would be better to not have sex. Remember, you decide over your own body. The Consent and Healthy Relationships sections discuss these topics in more detail.

When Do People Have Sex?

There are no set rules about when people can or can’t have sex. People can have sex any time they are in a private space. It can be planned, or it can be spontaneous. Some movies show sex happening after a date, for example. In real life, schedules and preferences are different for everyone. When you have sex depends on when you and your partner want to, what works for your schedule, and where you are.

Nevertheless, it is common to have sex in bed immediately before you go to sleep or in the morning after you wake up.

Time and Choice

For example: Sam and Simone woke up early on Tuesday morning and had two hours before they had to go to work. They had sex in their bedroom, washed up, then headed to work. The following Tuesday morning, they also woke up early, but they didn’t want to have sex. They made breakfast and spent the morning reading instead.

Public Displays of Romantic or Sexual Affection

Public displays of romantic or sexual affection make a lot of people uncomfortable, especially if they happen unexpectedly. For example, even though kissing is not sex, watching other people kiss can make some people feel uncomfortable. That is especially true if someone you know from a situation that isn’t supposed to be sexual, like school, work, or your family, sees you kiss or touch someone in a romantic way when they were not expecting it.

While it is usually appropriate to kiss a partner on the cheek in public, it may make onlookers uncomfortable if you “make out,” or kiss a partner many times in a row. Similarly, if you only kiss on the cheek but you are also sitting very close together, or one of you is sitting in the other person’s lap, that might also make the people around you uncomfortable.

For example: Daniel and his girlfriend, Naomi, went to dinner with their friends one night. At dinner, Daniel and Naomi sat very close together and kissed on the cheek and the lips many times. Daniel and Naomi’s friends felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed seeing this. They didn’t enjoy spending time with Daniel and Naomi that night and didn’t invite them the next time they went to dinner.

At What Point in a Relationship Do People Start Having Sex?

When to begin a sexual relationship depends on a lot of things, such as your personal values, what you and your partner want, how long you’ve known each other, and your level of intimacy. So, like most things related to sex and sexuality, the answer is different for every person and every relationship.

Some people prefer to get to know someone for a few weeks, months, or years before having sex, while others are ready and comfortable having sex the first time they meet someone. For example, you might feel comfortable giving someone a hug after a first date, but you might not feel comfortable kissing them on the mouth until you know them better. That might be after several weeks of spending time with them, several months, or never.

In our society, generally, intimate sexual activities are considered more appropriate for stronger levels of intimacy in a relationship. As in all other areas of sexuality, what’s considered an “intimate sexual activity” varies from person to person. In general, holding hands and hugging are not intimate sexual activities. Kissing may or may not be considered intimate. Any other type of sexual touching or sex is considered intimate sexual activities.

This section of the guide focuses primarily on things you should consider before becoming sexually active or having sex with a new partner for the first time. Remember that once you start having sex with someone, you don’t have to keep having sex with them. Your feelings or your partner’s feelings may change. Part of being sexually active with someone is respecting their feelings and needs, and accepting changes in the relationship.

How Do People Discuss Sex?

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex. So, they make jokes, find other words, or simply try to avoid talking about it at all.

There are many slang terms, euphemisms (deliberately using a vague or polite expression to describe something you are uncomfortable talking about), and ways to talk about sex, sexual behaviors, even parts of the body. It can get really confusing to know what people are talking about! Some of these common expressions are quite crude or considered vulgar.

It can be good to talk about sex if you want to learn more information or communicate with a partner. But, since sex is such a complicated and personal topic, there are social rules for what to talk about, with whom, and where.

As a general rule, you should keep discussions about sex and sexual activities private and limited to people you know and trust. The chart below gives some general examples of what to talk about, where and with whom. But, again, expectations vary from person to person, regardless of the type of relationship they have with you, so there are no specific rules.

Talking about sex is personal and, therefore, should be done in private. The following places could be private, assuming that you are alone with the person you are talking to and no one else can overhear your conversation.

• On the phone
• In your living room
• In the car
• In a doctor’s office

What specifically you talk about will depend on your relationship with the person to whom you are speaking. For example, you may talk with your romantic partner about how you like to do a specific sexual activity (how fast, in what positions, etc.) and whether something you did together was enjoyable. You would also want to talk with a sex partner about contraception and how you will practice safe sex. Communication is an important part of sexual relationships. You can find more information in this section.

Parents typically are the people you ask basic questions about relationships, sex, and sexuality as you grow up, mature, and ultimately become active sexually. You would not normally talk to parents about what specific sexual activities you do or not enjoy.

Some close friends might be comfortable talking with you about whether you have had sex, with whom, and how you felt about it (happy, loved, dissatisfied, etc.). You might also talk about these broader feelings with a parent or adult family member if you feel comfortable doing so and if they are willing to talk about these things with you.

A trusted adult can also have a conversation like this with you. Depending on the closeness of your relationship, you could ask questions (for example, “where do I buy condoms?”) or talk about how you are feeling about a sexual encounter.

Ask First Before Starting a Conversation With Somebody About Sex

Lots of people find talking about sex and sexuality embarrassing or uncomfortable. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk with most people (or anyone!) about these topics. It is important, though, to find a trusted person to talk with in case you need advice or help.

Always make sure the person with whom you want to talk, whether a close friend, trusted adult, or partner, also feels comfortable and is willing to talk with you about sex. If you are not sure, you should ask.

You might say:

• Can I ask you a question about sex?
• Do you feel comfortable talking about sex right now? If not, would you be willing to talk about it with me later?

Remember though, just because someone has discussed sex with you once, doesn’t mean they want to talk about it all the time, or at another time. Always check with the person before starting a conversation about sex.

It may be a sign that someone is not interested in talking if they:

• Change the subject when you ask them about a specific topic
• Don’t say anything
• Tell you they are busy
• Take a very long time to answer a message

These are just a few examples. These reactions might mean the person feels uncomfortable talking about sex, or it might just mean that the person is distracted by something else or that it’s not a good time to talk.

For example, the day after Marisol had sex for the first time, she wanted to talk about it with her friend Linda. Marisol sent Linda a text that said, “I had sex last night. Can I call you to talk about it?” Linda said “yes,” and Marisol enjoyed talking with her friend about her feelings and the new experience. A week later, Marisol had sex with her date again. She wanted to talk to Linda, so she sent her a text. Linda did not answer for a long time, so Marisol decided to write about her feelings and experience in a journal instead.

What If You Are Not Comfortable Talking With Others About Sex?

You may not want to talk about sex yourself. That’s normal. It’s a challenging topic, and even though you may not feel comfortable talking about it, communicating with your partner(s) (and doctor, as needed) about sex is important.

Some people find that writing things down makes it easier than talking aloud. Just make sure to keep personal information private and safe if you are putting it in writing. The Online Relationships and Safety section and the Public vs. Private section of this guide can teach you how to do that.

So, remember…

• Ask first – see if the person is comfortable talking about sex.
• Keep in mind whom you can trust to discuss such personal matters with.
• Speak in private.

When you engage in sexual activities with somebody, you share something private with them. Information about these sexual activities doesn’t “belong” only to you. It is mutually shared and private to both of you. In general, before talking to friends or others about sex with your partner, it is respectful to first talk to your partner about what is okay to share and with whom.

Talking To Your Doctor

An exception to this is talking with your doctor. If your doctor needs to know information about what type of sex you have had, when you had it, how many partners you have had, or other similar information, you should always answer your doctor truthfully. Your doctor is asking this information in order to care for your sexual and physical health, not in order to gossip or socialize with you. If your doctor or anyone else asks, “Are you sexually active?,” it typically means “have you ever or recently engaged in sexual activity with another person?”

You should feel comfortable when talking about or sharing information about sex with your doctor. Even if your partner may be more comfortable keeping information about your sex life private, they should never force you to lie or make you feel uncomfortable. Read the Healthy Relationships section of this guide to learn more about healthy communication.

Talking About Sexual Assault

Sometimes people might do sexual things (touching, penetration, intercourse, etc.) to you that are unwelcome. If you were not interested in engaging in sexual activity and the person you were with ignored your wishes, you may have experienced sexual assault, sexual abuse, and/or sexual harassment. These are serious emotional and legal matters.

Don’t confuse the “rules” about talking about consensual sexual activity with what you should do and say in the case of sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment. If you experience these things, you should not keep them a secret, even if the person who assaulted you tells you to. Your physical and emotional safety is more important than their privacy.

If you think or know you have been the subject of sexual assault, abuse, or harassment, you should tell someone you trust about it. They can help you decide what to do next.

More information is in the Healthy Relationships section of this guide.

Sexual Innuendos

When people talk about sex, there are many different slang terms, nicknames, or other ways of referring to body parts and sexual activity.

When talking with someone for the first time, a good rule of thumb is to approach the subject carefully by using more formal terms and indirect references to ensure you are using mutually comfortable words and language. It makes others more comfortable if you use the same words that they use.

The following is a list of some of the formal, polite, and crude terms people use when talking about sex and the body. Keep in mind that slang terms may differ based on where you live and whom you are talking with. Just because a term is listed below, it doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone knows what it means or even uses it! In addition, some words are considered vulgar (or as curse words). These words may offend some people or make them uncomfortable, so we have not included them here.

*Even though a lot of people call the parts of your body that are covered by your swimsuit “private parts,” that does not mean that the rest of your body is “public.” Your whole body is private, and you decide who touches it and when. You also decide what parts of your body to talk about. The “private parts” of your body (those covered by your swimsuit) are especially private.

What Do People Do When They Have Sex?

Sexual expression is a healthy and normal part of most people’s lives, but everyone expresses themselves sexually in their own unique way, and everyone has different preferences for what does and does not feel good to them during sex.

There is no “normal” way to have sex. As long as you are respecting your partner (and yourself) through consent, privacy, communication, and the practice of safe and protected sex, there is nothing “wrong” with you or your sex life.

There is also nothing “wrong” with you if you do not want to have sex or do not want to engage in certain sexual behaviors. Some people don’t often feel sexual desire, and some find certain sensations unpleasant. There are also potential emotional or physical consequences for sexual behavior, so make sure to consider whether you are ready to be sexually active. The Am I Ready? section of this guide explains those more. Whatever the reasons, it is okay if you do not want to engage in some or any form of sexual activity – and it is also perfectly normal and healthy.

Many people enjoy a variety of sexual activities while having sex. Not all of them need to happen during one sexual encounter. If you’re not interested in doing certain sexual things, then you don’t have to.

Below is a list of sexual behaviors and activities. If you want to learn more about what any of these activities are, you can click on the activity’s name. We have provided descriptions and definitions for each of these activities, but this information is just to help you understand the basics. In general, the list is ordered from less intimate activities to more intimate activities. Often, but not always, people start with less intimate activities and progress to some of the more intimate ones.

Sexual Activities and Behaviors

Kissing

Kissing is a way of expressing affection. In romantic relationships, certain kinds of kissing are associated with having more or less intimate relationships.

• Kissing on the cheek. This is the least intimate form of kissing. A quick peck on the cheek is a common form of greeting in some cultures, and often happens among family members and close friends. In this context, kissing on the cheek is not meant to express sexual interest.
• Kissing on the mouth with the lips closed. This is slightly more intimate than kissing on the cheek. In some cultures, kissing on the mouth is part of their general greeting, but that is typically not the case in the United States. Some people kiss family members on the mouth, but it is uncommon. Other times, kissing can show sexual or romantic interest.

Consider the setting when thinking about kissing someone on the mouth. For example, you probably would not kiss someone on the mouth in front of your boss or teacher, but you might in front of your friends.

You may also need to consider whether it is safe to kiss someone on the mouth in a certain setting. Depending on the situation you are in, you may not feel safe or comfortable kissing someone on the mouth. This could happen because some people are prejudiced against certain types of relationships. For example, if you are in an LGBTQ relationship, someone who is homophobic might be mean, harass you, or even try to physically hurt you. If you are in that situation, you might want to wait to kiss in private. For more information on homophobia, see the Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity section.

• Open-mouth kissing. Otherwise known as “French kissing,” this is more intimate than just kissing with closed lips, and is reserved for romantic or sexual relationships. There are no exact rules for “how” to kiss people – it can be different each time, and depends on what feels best to the people who are kissing. Partners may gently take the other person’s lower or upper lip into their own mouths, run their tongue over the other person’s lips, or gently insert their tongue in the other person’s mouth and “massage” their tongue. This kind of kissing usually makes people in public uncomfortable, so it is often done in private. Open-mouth kissing and kissing various parts of another person’s body (neck, chest, thighs, etc.) often happen during various other sexual activities.
• Making out. “Making out” is a vague term that may include periods of open-mouth kissing or intimate touching with a partner. It may or may not lead to other sexual behaviors.

Sexual Touching

There are many different ways to touch a partner’s body during a sexual experience.

• Cuddling. Cuddling or snuggling means lying together with a partner where parts of your bodies are touching. Often, this means lying so one person’s front side is up against the other person’s backside (called “spooning”). Cuddling may happen before or after sex, but you can also cuddle without having sex.Cuddling is not always a sexual activity. Friends and family members can cuddle too, just for fun or to show they care about each other. A common example of this is cuddling on the couch with a family member while watching TV. The important thing to note is that friends and family members should always wear clothes when cuddling, and not make contact with one another’s private parts. Sexual partners might cuddle without clothes on if they are in private.

• Massages. Massages can include rubbing or applying gentle pressure to a partner’s body to release tension or, when done more affectionately, increase sexual arousal. It may involve touching the back, shoulders, thighs, and maybe breasts/chest and buttocks. Massages can happen with clothes on or off. Either way, they are usually private.Massages, like cuddling, are not always sexual. Friends or family members might give each other massages, like back rubs or foot rubs. If friends or family are giving each other massages, they should be clothed and not make contact with one another’s sexual body parts.Many people go to a professional massage therapist to get rid of knots in their body that build up due to long-term tension and stress to help relax their muscles. If you are visiting a professional massage therapist, you might undress, but should be given a robe or towel to cover the parts of your body usually covered by underwear.Breasts and genitals should not be touched during nonsexual massages, but might be touched if you are massaging a partner before or during sex.

• Fondling refers to touching another person’s body, especially the parts of the body that are considered sexual (those are usually the body parts covered by underwear or swimsuits). This might include touching the breasts/chest, inner thigh, buttocks, and/or genitals by running your hands over and maybe gently squeezing parts of the body. Most people don’t say the word “fondling” – instead, you might hear terms like “petting,” “heavy petting,” “getting felt up,” or “getting to second base.” Fondling may happen with or without clothes on, and is a private activity.
• Most people call tribidism “dry humping,” but it’s not something people are often comfortable talking about. Dry humping is when people press their bodies together and rub against each other, sometimes rubbing genitals. It may happen either with or without clothes, and is a private activity.

Foreplay

People often use the term “foreplay” to include kissing, touching the body, touching genitals, or touching buttocks – behaviors that often come before some type of intercourse or other sexual activity.

Sexual arousal helps lead to changes in the body to prepare for sexual activity. Bodies need to get ready before sex, especially before vaginal intercourse. Foreplay helps to lubricate the vagina, and it can also cause a penis to become erect. A lubricated vagina makes vaginal intercourse feel more comfortable and pleasurable. It is easier to have sexual intercourse with an erect penis.

Foreplay, or kissing and touching, does not have to lead to any kind of intercourse. Kissing and touching can be enjoyable all by themselves. Sometimes you and/or your partner will want to kiss and touch each other to build intimacy, but not have sex. Not all sexual experiences include having sex, and that’s totally fine.

Masturbation

Masturbation is touching your own genitals in a way that feels good to you. It is a normal and healthy sexual behavior. There are many ways to touch yourself that might feel good.

• Masturbation is a private activity. It should only be done private places, like in your home bathroom or bedroom with the door closed. It should not be done in a shared restroom at school, work, or elsewhere.
• Masturbation may be done alone or in front of a consenting sexual partner.
• Masturbation can be a good way to learn about your body and what kinds of touch feel good to you.
• People may masturbate by using their hands (with or without a lotion or lubricant), a pillow, a vibrator, or a strong shower stream.

People may masturbate every few months, once a week, once a day, several times a day, or they may never masturbate at all. There isn’t a “correct” number of times that someone should masturbate – everyone has different preferences. However, if you are masturbating so much that you aren’t able to do other activities that you like (like work, school, and hobbies), you should probably decrease how often you masturbate.

Manual Sex

Manual sex is when a partner’s hand is used to make another partner’s genitals feel good. Most people don’t often use the phrase “manual sex.” Instead, they use slang terms or say they “touched” their partner. (Of course, “touch” is a common word. Saying you touched someone is common in nonsexual situations. Often, the difference between the two uses depends on the context, or is marked with a change in tone of voice.)

Some people don’t consider manual sex to be “having sex,” even though that is its formal term. (For example, you may hear someone say, “Did you two have sex?” and receive the answer, “No, we just did hand stuff” or any of the other specific slang terms.)

In crude slang terms, manual sex on a penis is often called a “hand job.” It usually involves holding the penis in one hand and moving the hand up and down over the shaft of the penis.

Manual sex on a vulva or vagina can be any sort of touching that feels good. It might include touching the clitoris or have a “back-and-forth” motion, and sometimes it might include vaginal penetration. (If so, the crude slang term for this is “fingering,” and it could also be considered a form of vaginal intercourse. Read the “Important Notes on Health and Safety” portion of the Vaginal Sex/Intercourse section below.)

Oral Sex

Oral sex is when someone uses their mouth to make another person’s penis or vagina/vulva feel good. “Fellatio” is the formal word for oral sex on a penis. “Cunnilingus” is the formal word for oral sex on a vulva/vagina. “Analingus” is the formal word for oral sex that involves the anus.

Oral sex can include different types of movements – people use their tongues and lips in whatever ways feel good to both the person performing oral sex and the person receiving it.

Oral sex can create intense sensations for the receiving partner. For this reason, it can be very pleasurable for some people, or it may be too intense for others. You should talk with your partner about what feels good and what does not feel good for both of you.

STI transmission is possible during oral sex, so it’s important to use condoms and/or dental dams to reduce that risk.

Vaginal Sex/Intercourse

Vaginal sex is when a penis, a person’s hand, or a sex toy (like a dildo or vibrator) is moved back and forth inside a vagina.

Vaginal sex without lubrication can be uncomfortable or painful. This is why it is important for vaginas to be lubricated, either by the body’s own natural fluids, or by applying a sexual lubricant (a specific product that reduces friction and is safe for the body – usually called “lube”). Some people find vaginal penetration difficult and painful due to hypertonicity (high muscle tension) in the vaginal muscles. If you experience difficulty or pain with vaginal penetration, consult with your medical doctor.

Important notes on health and safety:

• Artificial lubricants, or “lube,” consist primarily of water, oil, or silicone. Water-based sexual lubricants are usually safe to use with condoms. Oil-based lubricants, however, will cause latex condoms to break or not work! Some silicone-based are also safe to use with condoms, but they are not safe to use with silicone-based sex toys. It’s best to check the ingredients of a lube before using it, to make sure it is safe for your needs.
• To avoid infections, any object used during anal or vaginal intercourse must be cleaned before and after use. An object used for anal sex must be cleaned before being used for vaginal sex.
• Hands and other body parts may be washed with soap and water. There are special washing instructions for sex toys, depending on what the item is made of.
• Condoms are only to be used one time, as they may otherwise break or spread bodily fluids, which could lead to pregnancy or the spread of STIs. They cannot be cleaned because of the material they are made of. If you wish to have vaginal sex after having anal sex, you must remove your condom and put on a new one for vaginal intercourse. Remember: Never use a broken, damaged, or used condom! If you are trying to put a condom on and do so incorrectly, throw it away and try again with a new, clean condom.

Anal Sex/Intercourse

Anal sex or intercourse is when a penis, fingers, or sex toy (like a dildo or vibrator) is moved back and forth inside an anus.

No one’s anus lubricates itself, and it can feel very sensitive. Lubrication using a specific type of product is necessary for comfort. Because the anus is so sensitive, it’s especially important to communicate with your partner if you are having anal sex, to make sure everyone feels comfortable.

Any sexual activity that includes inserting something into the anus takes time. The muscles surrounding the anus need to be relaxed to allow for easier and more enjoyable insertion. It is safest to build comfort over time from a small item (such as a finger) to a larger item (such as a sex toy or penis). This generally does not happen in one sexual encounter. Inserting something too quickly or inserting something that is too large can put a person at risk for internal tearing of the anal canal.

Important notes on health and safety:

• Lubricants, or “lube,” can be made primarily with water, oil, or silicone. Water-based sexual lubricants are usually safe to use with condoms, but they are not recommended for anal use because they are easily absorbed by the body. Oil-based lubricants, however, will cause latex condoms to break or not work! Silicone-based lubricants are commonly recommended for anal use because they do not absorb easily. Some silicone-based are also safe to use with condoms, but they are not safe to use with silicone-based sex toys, if that is something you plan to use. It’s best to check the ingredients of a lube before using it, to make sure it is safe for your needs.
• Any object inserted into the anus must have a flared base. Without a flared base, the object could retreat into the body. (This information is relevant if using a sex toy – only insert objects into the anus that are intended for this use.)
• To avoid infections, any object used during anal or vaginal intercourse must be cleaned before and after use. An object used for anal sex must be cleaned before being used for vaginal sex.
• Hands and other body parts may be washed with soap and water. There are special washing instructions for sex toys, depending on what the item is made of.
• Condoms are only to be used one time, otherwise they may break or spread bodily fluids, which could lead to pregnancy or the spread of STIs. They cannot be cleaned because of the material they are made of. If you wish to have vaginal sex after having anal sex, you must remove your condom and put on a new one for vaginal intercourse. Remember: Never use a broken, damaged, or used condom! If you are trying to put a condom on and do so incorrectly, throw it away and try again with a new, clean condom.

Orgasm

An orgasm is a period of intense sexual climax – orgasms usually feel good! An orgasm can happen alone (through masturbation) or with another person (through any kind of sex or sexual touching). When someone has an orgasm, there is a brief increase in muscle tension in and around their genitals, followed by relaxation.

During an orgasm, people with penises experience muscle contractions in the penis and ejaculate semen from the penis. People with vulvas experience rhythmic contractions of the vagina, uterus, and pelvic muscles.

Sexual activities may, but do not have to, end once you or your partner orgasms. Having an orgasm does not mean that a sexual encounter needs to be over, but many people have a so-called “refractory period” after an orgasm, where they need a break and the body isn’t ready to become aroused again. Refractory periods can last from a few minutes to several hours.

From a social perspective, many people think having an orgasm is a very important part of sex. Again, everyone is different when it comes to orgasms. Some people orgasm very easily, while others find it difficult to have an orgasm and rarely or never do. Some people really enjoy having orgasms and consider them the goal of having sex, while others find them too intense and prefer to have sex without trying to have an orgasm. All of these experiences are normal.

Cleaning Up After Sex

If you masturbate or have sex, it is important to clean up afterwards to show respect for others, keep your sexual activity private, and to avoid hygiene issues (such as infections). Cleaning up looks different for each person and situation, depending on the type of activity that happened and the person’s preferences.

• The important thing to remember is to wash off any fluids that came from the sexual behavior such as semen, vaginal fluid, sweat, or spit. If you used lubrication, washing that off is also important.
• Also clean up the area where the sexual activity occurred, such as the bed or shower, and make sure it is clean for future use.
• Urinating soon after vaginal intercourse reduces the chances of getting a urinary tract infection, and is another important part of a cleanup routine.

Is Sex Different For Autistic People?

Sex is not different for people on the autism spectrum, but there are some issues that you may experience with sex as an autistic person.

Sensory Issues

Many people, including people on the spectrum, say that certain sexual behaviors (like hugs, cuddling, masturbation) help them with muscle tension, stress, or anxiety.

At the same time, some autistic people also say that certain sensations from sex feel unpleasant or even painful. This can be true for everyone – for every person, certain things do or do not feel good to them when having sex. If you’re on the autism spectrum, you may have some sensory sensitivities that come up during sex. For example, the feel of open-mouth kissing or the sound of certain body parts moving back and forth may feel uncomfortable.

When something doesn’t feel good to you, whether it’s a physical feeling, a sound, or a behavior, there are ways to manage it. You do not need to do uncomfortable things! Talk with your partner about what you like and don’t like, and how you can modify a sexual behavior to make it more enjoyable for both of you. For example, if direct skin-to-skin contact does not feel good, you could try wearing lightweight clothes. Everyone has certain things they need to be able to enjoy sex. Needs that are related to your autism are no different and deserve to be respected.

Communication Needs

It’s important to be able to communicate your needs and preferences to your partner in whatever way works for you. If it is hard for you to communicate how you usually would once you are having sex, it might help to communicate your needs to your partner beforehand or find a different way to express yourself during sex.

Ideas for communicating with partners – whether before or during sex:

• Keep a notepad by the bed to write on, or write messages beforehand and point to them
• Type out what you need to say on a phone or other device
• Have a verbal conversation beforehand about what you are comfortable with
• Use a yes/no/maybe list to clarify what you do and do not like
• Come up with a “safe word” or sound that means “stop”
• Decide in advance on some gestures/movements that mean “yes” and “no”
• Teach your partner in advance to notice signs that you are overwhelmed or need a break

Talking about these things in advance is a great idea to keep you and your partners safe and comfortable. Lots of people get overwhelmed for different reasons during sex, so communicating these things can also help your partners, whether they are on the spectrum or not.

Disclosure of Diagnosis

The decision of whether to disclose being on the autism spectrum is always up to you. If you don’t want to tell a partner that you are autistic, there are still ways to communicate your needs. Whether or not you choose to disclose, explaining what you need to feel comfortable during sex is a good way to start the conversation.

Examples of disclosing while communicating your needs:

• “I’m on the autism spectrum, so that may impact how I feel and interact with you when we have sex. Hair tickling my skin can be overwhelming – would you mind pulling your hair back when we’re hooking up?”
• “Because I’m autistic, I might have trouble expressing myself verbally during sex, so it’s helpful for me if we decide on a sign that means ‘stop.’ How about if I tap three times on your back if I need to stop?”

Examples of communicating those same needs without disclosing:

• “The feeling of hair tickling my skin can be really distracting. Would you mind pulling your hair back when we’re hooking up?”
• “I sometimes have trouble expressing myself verbally when I’m overwhelmed, so it’s helpful for me if we decide on a sign that means ‘stop.’ How about if I tap three times on your back if I need to stop?”

Good partners will want to make sure you are comfortable. They may want to ask questions to make sure they understand your needs and boundaries.

If you tell someone that you are on the autism spectrum and they try to make you feel bad or ignore your sensory or communication needs and boundaries, that is a sign that they are not respecting you. They are probably not someone that you want to have sex with or continue having sex with.

Navigating the Social Aspects of Sex

Remember that if you are on the autism spectrum and your partner is neurotypical, that doesn’t automatically make them an expert or mean they are right about everything related to your relationship and sex life. Your thoughts, preferences, and experiences are just as important as any neurotypical person’s, and deserve to be respected.

Even if they don’t talk about it or are good at hiding their nervousness, most people, whether neurotypical or autistic, sometimes feel nervous about sex. For example, they may worry that they won’t do certain sexual things “right” or that they “have” to engage in certain types of sex or do things a certain way and that, as a result, people don’t want to have sex with them. In fact, people are often more emotionally sensitive, and feeling more vulnerable, than usual when they are having sex or about to have sex.

Be Careful About Making Assumptions

From a social perspective, some people might make assumptions about what certain behaviors mean with regard to people’s sexual desires or interest in sex.

For example:

While Ariana and Hector were having sex, Hector kept sharing his thoughts on Dungeons and Dragons, his special area of interest. Ariana interpreted this as Hector not being interested in having sex, even though he was enjoying himself. Some people might think it’s odd, or that you are not interested in them, if you talk about things other than sex right before, during, or after sex.

Lila finds wearing clothing for long periods of time to be uncomfortable or painful, so she often does not wear clothing when she is alone in private. After Lila first started having sex with her new partner, that person assumed Lila wanted to have sex whenever she was naked, when, in reality, her clothes were just making her uncomfortable. Lila had to explain that she did not necessarily want to have sex just because she was not wearing clothing.

Conclusion

Sex and sexual activity are big topics that can be difficult for most people to understand. There is a lot of information available about these things, and it can feel overwhelming to understand much of it. If you are on the autism spectrum, it might be especially hard to understand all the social aspects of sex. Hopefully, this section helped answer some basic questions you might have had about sex. Even though there is a lot of information in this guide and elsewhere, these are just the basics. There is always more to learn.

Key Takeaways

• The most commonly discussed types of sex are vaginal intercourse, anal sex, and oral sex. But lots of people simply define sex as any physical contact with another person that feels sexual.
  Sexual behaviors can include touching, kissing, vaginal intercourse, oral sex, masturbation, and many other things.
• Sex should only happen in a private place between consenting individuals.
• Since sex is a private activity, it’s important to learn where, when, and with whom it is appropriate to talk about different aspects of sex.
• It’s especially important to communicate with your doctor about your sexual health.
• You should communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries with your partners, and your partners should respect those things. You should also respect the needs, desires, and boundaries of your partners.