Public Versus Private

Introduction: Public Versus Private

The “hidden curriculum” (social rules people expect you to just “know” without being taught) has VERY strict rules about what’s okay to say or do in public and private settings. These rules are especially strict when they’re related to sex and sexuality. Breaking those unspoken rules can result in people not wanting to be around you, or even in legal trouble, such as getting arrested.

Different cultures and social groups also have different ideas of what behaviors are okay in public and private. This is because different groups have different values. Those values are often not clearly explained or stated – people might expect you to just “know.” The same is true for public and private behaviors – people expect you to just “know” what is appropriate in different settings by observing your surroundings over time, but without ever being told. What is appropriate to do and talk about can also change based on where you are and who you are with. It can further be complicated by your age, gender, skin color, and more.

Sometimes, it’s easy to tell what is appropriate to do or say in public as opposed to private settings. Other times, it can be hard to understand. For example, when and where are behaviors such as taking care of personal hygiene, undressing, holding personal conversations, or kissing appropriate? Sharing information about yourself is different in public and private situations, too. Who is it okay to talk to or share personal information with?

There are two major types of places we find ourselves in during our daily lives: public and private. Most people only talk about public and private places. For the purposes of making nuanced social rules about privacy easier for you to understand, this section categorizes places into public, semi-public, semi-private, and private. For each type of place, there are specific behaviors, conversations, and information that are considered appropriate. If you mention semi-public and semi-private places to people who haven’t read this guide, they won’t know what you mean.

In this section, we will discuss:

• Why understanding the difference between public and private is important
• What public, semi-public, semi-private, and private places are
• What behaviors, conversations, and personal information are okay in each type of place

This chart summarizes the basics of what will be covered in this section. Notice that anything that can be done in public can also be done in more private settings.

What Are Semi-Public Places?

Semi-public places have some privacy, but are still considered shared (public/shared) spaces.

What are Semi-Private Places?

Semi-private places are public spaces that are meant for private use. You might have some privacy, but you are still sharing space with people you may or may not know. You are often able to hear or see others in a semi-private place. Examples include an examination room at the doctor’s office, public restrooms, and locker rooms.

What Are Some Behaviors That Are Okay To Do In Semi-private Places?

Semi-private behaviors are private things that you can do in certain public spaces, if they are meant for private use. Examples include:

What are Private Places?

Private places are places where others can’t see what you do or easily hear what you say. Other people shouldn’t come into private places without permission. Examples include your bedroom or bathrooms in your home (with the door closed).

What Are Some Behaviors That Are Okay To Do In Private Places?

Private behaviors are things you should only do by yourself or, if it’s something sexual, with a consenting partner in a private place. Examples include:

• Personal hygiene (flossing, clipping your nails, etc.)
  • There are some exceptions to this, since some people are comfortable brushing the teeth in front of their friends or family, for example. But you would not, for example, clip your nails in a public place, even if it was a public bathroom.
• Nudity (including bathing or showering)
• Talking about or managing menstruation
• Any kind of sexual activity with a partner or by yourself
• Kissing or hugging for a long time
• Masturbation
• Viewing pornography or sexually explicit materials (images that show or talk about genitals in a sexual way or people engaging in sexual activity)
  • Many people get especially uncomfortable about pornography or sexually explicit material. It is a taboo subject that people often do not talk about because it is so private. It is also a controversial activity – some people do not believe porn or sexually explicit materials should be used.
  • If you do choose to view these materials, do so with caution. Remember that most sexually explicit materials don’t show what sex between people is really like. Pornographic videos frequently portray unrealistic ways of initiating sex in unusual situations that would be inappropriate if done in real life.

Look at the images below for example. In the image on the left, Victor is watching something sexually explicit (a private behavior). He is in his own room with the door closed (a private place), so this is okay. In the image on the right, Victor is watching the same sexually explicit material (a private behavior), but he is in the library (a public place), so this is not okay. In this image, the people around Victor are shocked and upset because of what he is watching in front of them. He may get into trouble, be banned from going to the library again, or even be arrested.

What Are Conversations That Are Okay To Have In Private Places?

Conversations about topics you should only talk about with people who are directly related to the conversation are appropriate in private places. Examples include:

• Sex-related conversation, especially personal details about who someone is having sex with or what their sexual preferences are
• • Your sexual and reproductive health can be discussed with a medical provider, in a semi-private setting
  • You might also talk about sex in a health class at school, but this is done in a general way and not specifically about your sexual activity
• Information about dating (your own and other people’s)
• Medical details
  • For example, if you’re talking with a parent about your body or any medications you take

Note: Conversations about abuse or sexual harassment and assault are usually private, but if someone hurts you, you should seek help. This may mean talking about private subjects with helpful strangers such as police officers, court officials, doctors, or counselors whom you have never met before.

Examples Of Exceptions To Rules About Private Places, Behaviors, And Conversations That Depend On Context:

• You might see people kissing for a long time (private behavior) on the street (public place), or hear classmates talking about their crushes (private conversation) in the school cafeteria (public place).
• Some people feel safe doing these things or are prepared for any possible social consequences that happen as a result.

It can be hard to tell what exceptions are socially acceptable if you have trouble with social cues. Because of this, it’s usually best to only do private things and have private conversations in private places.

Sharing Personal Information

Private conversations often involve sharing personal information. There are many different types of personal information, and certain information should only be shared in certain contexts with certain people.

“Personal information” is any information that could be used to identify you, find out more information about you, or steal your identity. This includes:

• Your full name, address, phone number, email address, schools you have attended, passwords, and social security number or credit card numbers
• Pictures you might post or be tagged in on social media. These often contain personal information, like addresses, and some people can use a picture to locate you. Even if personal information is not included in the photo, addresses can sometimes be extracted from the image file itself.

Some personal information is commonly shared, including:

• Your full name. It’s okay for people you work with to know your full name, even if you are acquaintances.
• The month and day of your birthday.
• Some people prefer not to share the year they were born, but it may be easy to guess if you already know how old someone is.

Note: While it’s expected that your friends and coworkers would know your name and birthday, you would not post your full name and birthday on an online dating profile, since some people could use that information to locate you or hurt you.

Most of your personal information is also private information. You might need to share pieces of this information with certain people at certain times, but it’s important to know what is appropriate to share and with whom. For example, some information can be shared with work, school administrators, or medical personnel, but only when written on specific forms.

Check the chart below for details about sharing personal information. Notice that some information, like passwords, should never be shared with others. Also notice that strangers are not on this chart – they should not have access to this information.

This chart lists some common examples, but you might have different types of people in your life. For example, if your finances are separate from your parents’, you do not need to share credit card or banking information with them. If someone else who is not on this chart helps you manage your finances, that person might be able to access the information in the “parents” section instead.

*Some people are comfortable having joint bank accounts, credit cards, or emails with long-term partners or spouses. In those cases, it is okay to share a credit card, bank account number, or password.

Avoiding Scams

Some people lie about who they are to get you to give them your personal information, which they will then use to steal your identity or scam you, usually for financial gain. This is called a phishing attack.

Fake Calls Or Emails

Fake calls or emails are usually random. For example:

• Someone might call and say they are from your credit card company and ask you to tell them your account information.
• Somebody might send you an email to ask for financial help with an emergency situation, even though that emergency is actually fake.

Note: Legitimate contacts never ask for your password, full credit card number, or full social security number over the phone or via email.

In some cases, people who you get to know over time might also try to access your personal information, especially your financial information. If a friend, romantic partner, or family member asks you to send them money, be careful. Sometimes people lie about what that money will be used for.

• If someone asks you to pay your share of money for food or an event you shared together, that’s okay.
• If someone asks you to pay for an expense that is not related to you, then think carefully about whether it’s an expense you should be paying for. If you are not sure, ask someone you trust.

Conclusion

Social rules about what is appropriate in public places versus private places can be confusing, but understanding them is an important part of keeping yourself and others safe and comfortable.

Key Takeaways

Social rules about the difference between public and private can help people figure out if a situation is safe.

• Following these social rules also helps you stay safe and make sure you don’t get in legal trouble.
• There are public, semi-public, semi-private, and private places, though most people only talk about public and private ones.
• In each type of place, certain behaviors and conversations are appropriate.
• Social rules about what it’s okay to do and talk about depend not only on where you are but also on who you are with.