OARacle Newsletter

After finding out that your child is autistic, you may have a sense of relief and empowerment because you knew they were different and now you know why and how to help. But what if your child has trouble accepting their own diagnosis? How can you help them move forward?

First, accept and listen.

Ensure that your child feels accepted and loved. Tell them directly how much you love them, what you appreciate about them, and how glad you are that they are your child. Include examples that are associated with autism, as well as others. Include stories that exemplify your child’s positive traits (e.g., “I love that you are so creative. Remember that amazing fantasy story you wrote all by yourself?”)

Because of neuronormativity, autistic children are often exposed to negative messages that can build up over time to make them feel inferior. Take some time to really hear what they have to say about how they are feeling. Keep in mind that they may share with you directly and indirectly (e.g., art and nonverbal communication). Before trying to convince them otherwise, make sure you understand their point of view. After all, they know themselves better than anyone else.

Second, help them understand what autism really is.

Autism is a wide spectrum that includes a variety of people. Our understanding of what autism includes is evolving. Generally, autistic people have ways of socializing that are different than neurotypical people. They might tend to talk more about one particular topic (e.g., infodumping). They might tend to be more direct. They might use a device or signs instead of spoken language. They might have some difficulty with making and keeping friends.

Autistic people also have ways of experiencing the world that are different than neurotypical people. For example, they might tend to experience sensory differences like sensitivity to loud noises, which in some cases is linked to enhanced perception as well. They might tend to be passionate about certain areas of interest. For example, Dan Aykroyd’s obsession with ghosts and police inspired him to create Ghostbusters. They might tend to cope by engaging in stimming, which are repetitive movements that people might use to soothe themselves, like rocking or pacing. Autistic people also tend to respond well to schedules and may have some trouble adjusting to change.

There are some ideas for helping your child understand autism on pages 5 to 9 of this free book from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, 13 Tips for Talking to Your Child About Their Autism, and Telling your child they are Autistic.

Third, try to find out what’s getting in the way of accepting the diagnosis.

Are they seeing it in a mostly negative light? Are they worried about stigma? Are they ashamed? Accepting an autism diagnosis generally takes time. In fact, some autistic people, like Dr. Lamar Hardwick, an autism advocate and pastor, have shared that it took them a couple of years to adjust to the diagnosis. In Sincerely, Your Autistic Child, Kayla Smith shares that she went through a phase of asking, “Why me?” and wishing she was not autistic, but as she learned more over time, she was able to accept herself as autistic. If your child does not want to refer to themselves as autistic right away, take your time and don’t push it.

For some children, it might help to use a metaphor. Diagnostic labels can sometimes be like boxes in limited sizes. None of them fit just right, but we choose the one that fits best. You can talk to your child about why we use diagnostic labels. They help us figure out strategies that might make life better for us based on what has worked for other people. They help us research how to make life better. And they help us find community. If your child is not ready to accept that they are autistic, they might be open to seeing themselves as neurodivergent or as having a different type of brain. They may not know exactly what box fits best, but they know that they don’t fit into the neurotypical box.

Fourth, introduce them to the neurodivergent community.

It is important to introduce your child to the neurodivergent community and the autistic community so that they can learn about autism from people who actually know what it is like to be autistic. Even if they are they are not ready to embrace the diagnosis yet, they are generally still welcome in neurodivergent spaces so they do not have to feel like imposters. For example, they could take an online class with Gabrielle Hughes, an autistic advocate, on Outschool like “What is Autism.” They can listen to autistic people tell their stories. They might find a book club for neurodivergent youth through their local library. They could be part of a friendship group for neurodivergent youth like the ones offered through Aspiring Youth.

Some autistic people have other disabilities, like intellectual disabilities. If your child has other disabilities, explore ways to be in community with other people with intellectual disabilities (e.g., through Special Olympics) and other types of disabilities (e.g., through your local Arc).

Also, make sure your home is neurodiversity-affirming by including books and media that celebrate people with different types of brains and different types of disabilities. Book ideas are available at That Au-some Book Club on Facebook  and booksforlittles.com. Maybe your child is into music, in which case you could share a song like this one. You can find other types of autism-affirming media in this guide for parents of autistic kids on pages 42-48. When you talk about different types of brains, pay attention to what you are saying both directly and indirectly. Make sure you are sending a message that having different types of brains is something to be celebrated. Try to expose them to neurodivergent people from different backgrounds. Talk to family members about doing the same.

Fifth, strategize together.

As you move forward with your child on this journey, take some time to figure out what you can agree on. Even if they do not think they are autistic, they might recognize the need for certain types of support. You can partner with them in figuring out how they need help, without having to use the label “autistic.” For example, maybe they would like support in developing conversational skills and would like to work with a speech language pathologist. Maybe they need help with sensory differences and would like to work with an occupational therapist to figure out how to make their environment better suited for them. Maybe there are things you can do together to make life easier (e.g., go shopping for noise-cancelling headphones). Some states may have foundations that offer support, such as Ben’s Fund in Washington State.

Sixth, consider further assessment.

Maybe some time has passed, and you have had a chance to expose your child to a variety of autistic experiences, and they still do not think they are autistic. What, then? Consider talking to a psychologist for support and investigate the possibility of an additional assessment. Ensure that your child’s input is considered in the assessment process.

Remember that navigating what autism means for your child specifically will be an ongoing journey. Gently guide your child to supports and services as needed along the way, but allow them to be in the driver’s seat in figuring out what neurodivergence means for them.  

Sara Woods, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist at the University of Washington Autism Center and in private practice at Discover Psychology. She specializes in assessment across the lifespan with a focus on autism. Dr. Woods also offers training and consultation to psychologists, medical professionals, schools, families, and organizations on neurodiversity, intersectionality, autism, ADHD, and other types of neurodivergence. Dr. Woods is passionate about empowering parents to help their children develop positive identities.