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You do it. I do it. We all do it.

As we prepare for the pending holidays, no matter how old your child is, many of us wonder:

• “Will he/she will be able to handle [Insert your concern here] this year?”
• “Should we even bother with a huge gathering or should we just celebrate on our own?”
• “Should we push or pull away?”
• “Do we want a nice celebration or a disaster?”

These are all typical questions that come around every year for atypical families as we try to meet expectations of extended family and new visitors.

I’ve struggled with this every year and continue to do so. I am getting better though. Even if my family is familiar with disabilities and the behaviors common to autism, the feelings are different around the holidays. People are more anxious, excited, and loud. When you have a child that soaks up all the feelings in the room but doesn’t know how to manage them, you have the perfect storm.

We missed that trigger during our first few attempts at house parties. We would fill up the house, cook all the food, have big parties, and then peg Jake’s meltdowns on overstimulation from too many people and too many toys.

As he has matured, Jake has learned how to describe the invisible triggers that baffle many families. Being able to feel someone’s anger, stress, happiness, and anxiety is a blessing and a curse. While Jake has super empathy and compassion, those abilities can get in the way of social events, like those that occur during the holidays.

Celebrate in Ways that Work for Your Family

The only way we’ve been able to head off disappointment or failure to meet holiday expectations is to celebrate in a way we can handle. We outline our expectations with Jake before we go. We always have an exit strategy and if he’s able to verbalize his feelings/triggers before acting out, we will leave the room so he can calm down.

If we’re invited to parties, we always go on the early side and bring a dish to share that is his favorite. That way, we can at least stay until he gets his fill. Food is a great distractor. If it’s an evening party, Jake takes a nap before going (and sometimes I do too). Being sleepy and short-fused in a room full of people is a recipe for disaster.

Mind the Behavior Cues

If we start to see agitation or irritability, we don’t just brush off minor behaviors as a sign that Jake wants to leave or avoid the situation. We’ve done that, then spent the next hour or so looking for him. He’s hidden in closets and basement bathrooms and run down the road.

Jake has signs that mean he may be getting close to his edge. We watch for hand biting, darting eyes, and body throws. Once we see any of these, we take a break. Yes, even if it’s in the middle of dinner.

Accommodate as Needed

During big meals, we remember what’s important: Is it that he stays seated through the entire meal? Not really. We let him roam or pace as long as he is able to stay calm. There are a ton of new scents, feelings, and sights that are stimulating to our super heroes. Plus elbow-to-elbow table settings are tough.

Should he eat or try some of everything? No. Would you like to be forced to eat food that you don’t like or looks weird just to keep someone happy? I wouldn’t. If your child wants to eat mashed potatoes and gravy for the entire meal, let them. In our case, Jake will grab a turkey leg and chomp on it with two hands like a caveman. It’s quite a sight. Yes, we teach him manners, but in this setting, when all eyeballs are on us, it’s not a teachable moment. There’s no room in his brain at this moment.

Surprises are horrible for our family. Jake is so anxious about wrapped presents that he will tell us weeks before the gift-giving event, “if I get ____, it has to be under the tree with a big red bow on it.” If that gift ends up wrapped so he can’t see it, he won’t be able to open it.

If beautifully wrapped gifts are given during an exchange, we wait to unwrap the gift until we get home, but we always thank the gift givers. I’ve explained that Jake is more comfortable opening gifts privately. Yes, we learned this the hard way. He once threw a gift back at the unsuspecting gift-giver.

The bottom line here is that we accommodate during stressful situations. You’re not spoiling; you’re not ignoring; you’re not letting the child control the situation. You are making safe and responsible choices. Do what you need to do to keep your nuclear family calm and happy. We should be able to have holidays that are happy for each and every member of our family.

Jenn Lynn provides trainings to law enforcement, family counsel, and motivational speaking through her LLC Empowering Autism Caregivers. She speaks and writes about living on the spectrum at TheWorldAccordingtoJake.com. She strives to educate and empower parents and community members by sharing what she’s learned from years of firsthand behavior training at the Kennedy Krieger Institute, her work in special education, two years as an ABA technician, and experience with Positive Behavior Interventions and Supports training. She is also the executive director of Upcounty Community Resources, a nonprofit group in Maryland that serves adults with special needs.