News and Knowledge

Michael has profound autism, he is very “rain-man-ish.” In our family’s birth order, I am third and he is fourth of six. Michael and I have a very special relationship. When someone calls his group home asking for Michael, he knows it is usually our mother or me. He typically wants to talk for the shortest amount of time possible. Most often, he asks, “Cathy, are we going to have the longest conversation ever?” That’s his code for me to end the conversation, which I try to keep going. And I can if I start discussing a visit to see him and what we will do while I’m there. If I start making our usual list–bowling for beers, eating at IHOP, going to Starbucks, or hiking–he can talk for an additional 15 minutes as he discusses planning details for all four activities.

Michael also loves the holidays. He especially loves being with family, going to church, and singing. He loves eating and, in fact, he is totally obsessed with knowing the time and exact details of the menu ahead. “Cathy, are we eating lunch at 11:30 a.m., is that right?” Then he answers his own question, “Yes, we are going to eat lunch at 11:30 a.m. and have leftover turkey, rolls, butter, gravy, milk, salad, and pie for dessert and coffee with one packet of sugar. Yes, that is right we are going to have leftovers. Cathy, are we going to eat lunch at 11:30 a.m.?” This cycle may repeat several times. Many of you probably know how it goes.

When I ask Michael what he wants for Christmas, I get the typical Michael answer year in and year out, “For Christmas, I want, I want, I want some Batman pajamas, a watch, some slippers, M&Ms, and a Starbucks card.” He will open each present in three to five seconds scattering wrapping paper all over the place. Then he will get up and walk away, stimming due to the typical over-stimulations that come with holiday activities.

I typically buy Michael 12 to 15 Christmas presents. Mind you, for Michael, it is all about quantity not quality. That makes it easy for me. For example, because Michael is extremely intelligent when it comes to puzzles, the 2,000-piece plain red block jigsaw puzzle is a good buy for him.

He likes all 15 presents individually wrapped, because he loves the process of unwrapping, more than the item itself (unless it is food). He appreciates a bow on every item and loves when a gift or two has candy as part of the wrapping.

My package for Michael often gets sent to my brother Chris’ house because his family invites Michael to their house for Christmas. For Michael, seeing all the presents under the tree is a big highlight. He circles the lower part of the tree hunting for gifts with his name. He doesn’t move them; he simply stores their locations in his mind, prepping for the big moment.

Our family tradition is that we open one present on Christmas Eve. Michael often does not want to open that early present. He prefers to wait until Christmas morning. But once he sees everyone else opening their presents, then he will grab one and open it. If someone opens or attempts to open more than one, he steps in as “present cop,” “No, you cannot open another present because you already opened one.” Then he takes the gift away and puts it back under the tree.

I have been blessed with more than 50 years of holidays with Michael (even if just on one of those quick calls for him to recall the gifts I sent over). I cannot tell you how lucky and happy I am to have him in my life making each and every holiday a wonderful and passionate event. People with autism like my brother can be part of the holiday fun, each in his or her own way.  Embrace them.  Incorporate what they like into your holiday events and festivities, and love them for who they are. I hope you enjoy your holidays as much as we enjoy ours.

Cathy Schwallie Farmer is one of six children (her father, Edward Schwallie, is one of OAR’s founders and an emeritus member of the Board of Directors). She has two brothers on the spectrum and a son with ADHD. She lives in Berkeley, Calif., and works in technology focusing on healthcare and workplace applications. She also volunteers and is an occasional blogger.