How To

Making friends and maintaining friendships can be a challenging task for any child. For children with autism, difficulties with social and communication skills can make the task exponentially more difficult. Add in time for appointments and therapies and it can seem impossible.

Let me reassure you that it’s not. Through a team approach and some persistence, you can develop a community that will help your child overcome the challenges that accompany making friends, allowing them to build solid friendships that will be mutually beneficial.

Challenges

By understanding what makes the task of developing friendships more difficult for your child, you can figure out how to overcome those challenges.

• Sensory processing: Many children with autism have difficulties with sensory processing. If your child is easily overstimulated by certain sounds, smells, noises, etc., interacting with other children can be more difficult. A sensory overload may also lead to a meltdown, which makes maintaining friendships challenging. Check out potential camps, play date locations, etc. prior to the meet-up date to address any sensory issues that your child may have.
• Communication issues: Because autism is a spectrum, children will communicate using a variety of modalities. If your child has difficulty using verbal speech to communicate, it is important to ensure they are set up for success when it comes time to communicate with potential friends. Make sure PECS books or speech-generating devices your child might use have all of the necessary words to make the interaction successful. Also, if possible, educate potential friends on how best to communicate with your child.
• Lack of opportunity to develop and practice social skills: If your child isn’t given the opportunity during the school day to interact with typically developing peers or if they are not already involved in an established program (Best Buddies/Special Olympics) that fosters social skills/friendship building, they may not be developing and practicing the social skills necessary to build friendships. To combat this, advocate for inclusion at your child’s school, ensure these types of interactions are built into your child’s IEP, and practice at home and across other environments.
• Rejection: Yes, rejection is cruel, but it will happen and it may hurt you more than it does your child. Sometimes it will happen because a parent does not feel comfortable with the idea of allowing their child to play with yours (their loss). Other times, it will be because the kids just didn’t mesh and that’s okay. The thing to remember about rejection is that you can’t let it deter you from continuing to put you and your child out there.

Developing Your Community

Once you have addressed the challenges, you can make a plan for fostering friendships through establishing a supportive community. The members of your community should be the people who are integral to your child’s life. Once established, it is important for each member to understand their role. I have included suggestions for you and your child’s teachers; however, you could also include parents of a typically developing child, a school counselor, an ABA tutor, speech therapist, siblings, etc.

Parent

1. Find the right match: If you can, talk to your child about what activities interest them. Once you have established their interests, try multiple activities to find other children with the same interests that mesh well with your child. If communicating verbally is not an option, try a variety of activities until you and your child find a good fit.
2. Advocate and educate: Advocating for your child is key in unstructured social environments where others may not be familiar with your child. Take the time to educate camp counselors, indoor play staff, other parents on the playground, etc. about how amazing your child is, challenges they may have while engaging in the specific environment, and challenges they may have with other children. Make sure to explain how to best interact with your child, any sensory issues your child may have, how to communicate with your child, etc.
3. Set your child up for success: Schedule time for your child to have opportunities to establish friendships. Ensure that, if there are communication or sensory issues, they are accounted for. Communicate with staff/parents/children ahead of time to confirm they understand how to best interact with your child.
4. Ensure social skills are a priority on the IEP (and at home): Skills like how to play, problem solve, recognize feelings, take turns, control impulses, etc. will help your child make friends. Remember it is your right to call a meeting at any time to make changes to your child’s IEP. If social skills are not being addressed on the IEP, call a meeting to add them. While social skills should be addressed at school and in other therapies (if your child is receiving them), they must also be practiced and generalized in your home and across settings.
5. Surround yourself with a community: Surround yourself with other parents who understand the value in having their child be friends with yours and genuinely love having your child (and you) around.

Teacher/School

1. Make social skills as much of a priority as educational goals: It is a teacher’s responsibility to assist students in reaching their maximum potential in all aspects of life — social, emotional, behavioral, and academic.
2. Generalize skills: Once a student has mastered a specific skill, ensure the skill is generalized across settings and people.
3. Create meaningful opportunities: Make social opportunities meaningful and not just a check in the box. Ensure the opportunities are relevant to everyday life and the interests of your students.
4. Be a steward of disability awareness: Educate the school community about your students. Emphasize how to best interact and communicate with them and the importance and value of fostering friendships.

Making friends is a task that requires a village. By surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals and keeping the lines of communication open, you will break down challenges and establish an environment that will allow your child to successfully develop meaningful friendships.

Carla Wyrsch has been a devoted educator and advocate for children with disABILITIES since 2002. A certified special education teacher with a background in applied behavior analysis, she has spent her entire career working with children with autism. Her experience spans a variety of settings, including residential treatment facilities, military bases, public schools, and The Learner School for Autism at Cleveland Clinic. In addition to her work with children on the spectrum, she enjoys providing coaching sessions to both professionals and parents in the areas of behavior modification and other best practices.