OARacle Newsletter

I am the mom of four amazing kids (Connor, 25; Riley, 17; Grace, 12; and Kane, 8). I work as a life coach, teaching advocacy skills to parents to assist them in advocating the best they can in and outside of the school system. I am also working on my master’s degree in counseling. I have been involved with OAR for 10 years, and I will be running the Chicago Marathon as part of the RUN FOR AUTISM team for the tenth time this year. I have two sons with autism and have spent years spreading awareness and educating others about autism. My kids have taught me so much about life, and it has certainly been an adventure. I am so very blessed to be their mom, and, though we have had our share of challenges, I wouldn’t change a thing. We are Team Fink and “we commit, we don’t quit!”

My oldest son was 7 when he was diagnosed with autism. I remember sitting with him to tell him that we had a meeting to go over all the tests they had done and that he has autism. Many people didn’t know a lot about autism when he was diagnosed. There were no motivational blogs or support groups. I felt alone and scared because all I read were the things my son wasn’t going to be able to do, like live on his own, maintain a job, show empathy, and the list goes on. I told my son, “We are going to have to work hard to overcome some things, but we can do it. We are going to have to write our own story.” And we did.

He went on to make friends, be kind and empathetic, and graduate from college. Today, he lives on his own in a different state and works as a manufacturing engineer. What a story he is writing!

My second son was diagnosed with autism at 15 months old. He was nonspeaking until he was about 5. He was in therapy for many years (occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy, and developmental therapy). We hit the jackpot with his supportive therapists. I don’t remember ever having a formal conversation with him about his diagnosis.

I raised my kids to know that everyone has challenges in life, some you see and some you don’t. I raised them to believe that your challenges don’t make you who you are, they are just a part of who you are.

When my younger son was 8, he asked a lot of questions about his diagnosis and said he remembers looking at it as a good thing with lots of perks. He viewed his individualized education program (IEP) in such a positive way due to all the “perks” that helped him succeed in school. How cool is that! He and his older brother knew they had autism, but it didn’t define who they are, it was part of who they are. 

He is now 17, a junior in high school with lots of friends. He is a talented runner for his school’s cross country and track teams. He is thriving. He too has the opportunity to go to college and have the experience of living on his own. I know that no matter what struggles lie ahead, he will get through it because he works so hard at everything he does. He doesn’t know how to quit.

My sons have and continue to learn to accept their autism diagnosis. Some days are harder than others, and some days we come across people who don’t understand, which makes life hard for them to navigate. I encourage them to work hard on their goals, not give up, and remember to accept themselves and not let others get them down. I also remind them how much they have overcome and encourage them to keep fighting every day.

The biggest thing I taught them was how to advocate for themselves. It started at home with learning to request things in an appropriate manner. I had them attend their school meetings and IEPs as early as elementary school. A lot of people asked me why I would have them there. It was important for them to see their team working hard to make sure they were successful as well as seeing their mother advocate for them to get what they needed to succeed. Watching me effectively and appropriately advocate for their needs helped them learn to do that for themselves. By ninth grade, each son was able to advocate for themselves in their school meetings and get the help they needed. They now advocate for themselves in all aspects of their lives. This is one of my greatest accomplishments as a mother.

I have learned a lot about life and people in the process of raising all my kids. They have taught me that we can do hard things. We can face adversity, put in the work, and rise above the challenges. You could say we thrive on the challenges in our lives. There are also real struggles, and we may kick and scream the whole way through, but taking the time to celebrate the victories along the way is the best part. I should have done more of that.

Celebrating the “small” victories is so important. When my boys were little, I didn’t take the time to celebrate the things they were accomplishing because when one thing was accomplished, another issue arose and we had to figure out how to help them. I missed some opportunities to praise my kids and show them to take the time to be excited about achieving goals. Now we celebrate all the successes.

We continue to face new challenges as they grow, but we set goals and put plans in place to achieve those goals. I remember feeling like I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. As the years have gone by and the hard work has paid off, we see it getting brighter and brighter as the days go on.

My kids have inspired me to try new things and have given me the courage to push through my own struggles as their mom. They have taught me that working as a team is key. By working as a family, we have managed to overcome a lot and strengthen our bond. We are not perfect, and it may be chaotic at times, but we show up for each other and encourage each other to succeed and celebrate each other’s accomplishments. My daughter came up with the best tag line for our family when she was 4 and learning to ride her bike without training wheels, “We are Team Fink and we commit, we don’t quit!” It has been our tag line ever since and a constant reminder to push through when things get hard.