“Do autistic children really want friendships?”
As parents and practitioners, we may have asked ourselves this question. If a child prefers solitary activities, struggles with conversation, or interacts differently than peers, we may wonder whether relationships are important to them.
The answer emerging from decades of psychological and developmental research is both simple and profound: human beings need connection, and autistic children are no exception.
Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, developers of self-determination theory, have spent decades studying the conditions that help people thrive. Their research suggests that all people have three fundamental psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Relatedness refers to feeling connected to others, experiencing a sense of belonging, and knowing that one is valued within relationships and communities.
According to Ryan and Deci, the satisfaction of these basic psychological needs contributes to motivation, well-being, resilience, learning, and personal growth throughout the lifespan. While people express these needs differently, the need for connectedness appears to be universal. This includes autistic children, whose desire for belonging may be expressed in ways that differ from social expectations but is no less important.
For many years, autism was often described in ways that led people to believe autistic individuals preferred isolation or lacked interest in social relationships. I often refer to that characteristic in my lectures. However, contemporary research paints a much more nuanced picture.
Longitudinal studies increasingly show that autistic children seek connection, form meaningful attachments, and benefit from relationships with family members, peers, and trusted adults. Although they may communicate and interact differently than non-autistic children, many autistic children actively pursue social relationships in ways that reflect their unique personalities, interests, and communication styles.
As parents, many of us have witnessed our children seeking connection in ways that may be subtle, unconventional, or easily misunderstood. For example, some autistic children show friendship through shared interests rather than conversation. Others seek proximity to preferred peers, exchange information about favorite topics, offer practical help, or demonstrate loyalty and consistency in ways that may not always be recognized by others.
The question is no longer whether autistic children need connection. Rather, it is how adults can support them in developing meaningful relationships while respecting their individuality and neurodivergent ways of being.
Every friendship depends on communication. Communication is far more than spoken language. It includes gestures, facial expressions, body language, augmentative and alternative communication (AAC), typing, writing, shared activities, and countless other ways people connect with one another.
Communication allows children to:
These skills become increasingly important as children grow and relationships become more complex.
At the same time, communication difficulties should not be viewed as residing solely within the autistic child. Since 2012, researchers have increasingly discussed what is known as the “double empathy problem,” which suggests that misunderstandings often arise due to autistic and non-autistic people communicating differently rather than there being a deficit within either individual.
When adults help both autistic and non-autistic children understand one another, opportunities for genuine connection increase.
Too often, conversations about autism focus primarily on challenges. Yet autistic children frequently bring important strengths to their relationships that deserve recognition and appreciation. Many autistic children demonstrate:
These strengths can form the foundation of meaningful and lasting relationships when peers and adults learn to recognize and value them.
Parents are often encouraged to look for specific social milestones. However, social growth does not always look the same for every child. Signs of increasing social awareness may include:
These moments may seem small, but they often represent meaningful steps toward greater social understanding and connectedness. Recognizing and nurturing these behaviors can help children continue developing confidence in their relationships.
Researchers and practitioners have identified several effective approaches for helping autistic children develop meaningful social connections. Two of the most well-supported are peer-mediated interactions and scaffolded adult guidance.
Peer-mediated interactions: Peer-buddy programs and similar initiatives use structured interactions between autistic and non-autistic peers to promote relationship development. More than a play date, the most effective programs are intentionally designed to foster mutual understanding, shared experiences, and authentic friendships. Rather than focusing on changing the autistic child, these approaches are mutually beneficial, helping both participants learn from one another while developing meaningful connections.
Research suggests that peer-mediated programs can support social participation, communication development, belonging, and positive peer relationships for all participants.
Scaffolded adult guidance: Children also benefit from support provided by knowledgeable adults who help them navigate social situations in real time. Adults can model communication strategies, facilitate problem-solving, coach perspective-taking, support emotional regulation, and help children work through misunderstandings. As children become more confident and capable, these supports are gradually reduced, allowing them to function more independently.
This process, known as scaffolding, helps children develop the skills necessary to build and maintain relationships while preserving their autonomy and authentic communication styles.
When autistic children experience meaningful relationships, the benefits extend well beyond social interaction. Supportive relationships contribute to social-emotional development, communication competence, adaptability, executive functioning, self-confidence, and independent functioning. Perhaps most importantly, they help fulfill the fundamental human need for connectedness described by Ryan and Deci and supported by decades of psychological research.
As parents, educators, and professionals, our goal should not be to make autistic children appear socially typical. Rather, it should be to create opportunities for genuine belonging, meaningful relationships, and authentic connection.
When we recognize both the universal human need for connectedness and the unique strengths autistic children bring to relationships, we move beyond teaching social skills and toward fostering something far more important: a sense of belonging.
Autistic children, like all people, flourish when they experience relationships in which they are understood, valued, and accepted for who they are. By recognizing their need for connectedness and supporting meaningful opportunities for relationship-building, we can help create communities where every child has the opportunity to belong.
Dr. Massia Bailey is a special education practitioner and adjunct professor with more than 22 years of experience in education. She holds a Doctor of Education in Applied Learning Sciences from the University of Miami and serves as an elementary ESE support facilitator and ASD specialist in Broward County Public Schools. Dr. Bailey is certified in elementary education, exceptional student education, reading, and social science. Her professional interests include autism, literacy development, self-determination, inclusive education, and evidence-based practices that promote meaningful participation, belonging, and independence for autistic individuals and other learners with diverse needs.
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