Relationships can be confusing—even when you want them, value them, and try hard to do them “right.” You might leave an interaction wondering whether something went well, whether you said too much or too little, or whether discomfort is just part of connection. These questions are common, and they are not a sign that you are bad at relationships.
One reason relationships can be difficult to navigate is that there is no one correct way to have one. Human behavior is diverse and relationships are just as varied. Yet many autistic individuals are taught rigid rules about how relationships are supposed to look—how often to text, how much to compromise, or how to behave socially. In real life, relationships rarely follow scripts.
Learning how to evaluate relationships, rather than follow someone else’s script, is often more helpful.
Let’s start with separating two ideas that are often treated as the same:
Shifting from “Am I doing this right?” to “How does this relationship actually function for me and the other person?” is an important first step.
Autistic people often communicate and interact differently from non-autistic people. Because many social expectations are shaped by non-autistic norms, autistic adolescents and young adults may feel pressure to perform socially—carefully monitoring their tone, facial expression, timing, or wording to fit in or avoid negative reactions. This is sometimes called masking or camouflaging.
Social performance can make interactions look successful on the surface, but it often comes at a cost. Relationships that require constant performance can be exhausting and make it harder to feel relaxed, understood, or genuinely connected.
Ask yourself not just “Did that interaction go okay?” but also:
Fatigue is information, not failure.
Relationships can look different at various stages of life. During adolescence and early young adulthood, many relationships are naturally more casual, short-term, and fluid. Friend groups shift, interests change, and connections can form and fade quickly.
For those who invest deeply, this fluidity can feel personal or confusing. Not every relationship is meant to last. The more useful question is not whether a relationship ended, but whether it felt respectful, mutual, and supportive while it existed.
Healthy relationships involve shared effort. If one person consistently initiates, compromises, or manages emotions while the other does not, that imbalance matters—even if no one intends harm.
How to notice it:
Noticing imbalance does not mean a relationship is automatically unhealthy. Temporary asymmetry is common—especially during stress, illness, transitions, or when one person has fewer resources at a given time. What matters is whether the pattern is situational and flexible, or chronic and expected.
A useful tolerance question is not “Is this equal?” but “Is this sustainable for me, and does it ever shift?” If effort can rebalance over time, and if your needs can be named and responded to, some imbalance may be okay. If the imbalance is consistent, unacknowledged, or required to keep the relationship intact, that is important information.
Power imbalances don’t always look dramatic. They often show up as one person having more control over decisions, access, or emotional outcomes. This can include who feels able to say no, who worries about losing the relationship, or who does more emotional work.
How to notice it:
Disagreements are normal. What matters is what happens next. Healthy relationships allow for clarification, repair, and change. If raising concerns consistently leads to blame, withdrawal, or punishment, that is a negative pattern that is important to identify and address.
How to notice it:
Many people struggle to accurately put their emotions into words, especially under stress. This is not unique to autism. Emotions are often subtle, mixed, or delayed. Instead of trying to label feelings perfectly, it can help to recognize them through patterns and comparison:
Over time, these comparisons make emotional patterns clearer and more reliable.
Self-monitoring also develops over time, and it does not require constant self-surveillance or perfect insight in the moment. It is about noticing patterns in your own experiences so you can make informed choices. Its purpose is not to perform better, but to understand what supports or strains you over time. When used well, self-monitoring reduces the need for constant social performance rather than increasing it.
Self-monitoring is not the same as camouflaging. Camouflaging focuses on managing how you appear to others in order to fit expectations or avoid negative reactions. It often requires suppressing natural responses and prioritizing external approval over internal comfort.
Start with external anchors.
If noticing internal states is hard, begin by observing what is easier to see:
These observable features can provide reliable information even when emotions are unclear.
Compare, don’t analyze.
Instead of asking, “How did I feel?” try:
Comparison across situations is often more informative than introspection alone.
Use patterns, not moments.
Self-monitoring works best when it focuses on repetition over time rather than a single interaction. One awkward conversation doesn’t define a relationship. But consistent feelings of tension, pressure, or exhaustion can indicate an unhealthy one.
Healthy relationships also depend on noticing impact—how actions affect both people. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can be difficult, but important. This includes recognizing negative interaction patterns, understanding consent and assent, and learning from consequences within relationships.
Consent is not a one-time event. It shows up in everyday ways:
Relationships provide feedback through consequences. When effort is mutual, trust and ease tend to grow. When boundaries are ignored or effort is consistently one-sided, tension and distance often follow.
Sometimes it helps to talk things through with a trusted person—not to make decisions for you, but to help you see patterns more clearly. Support should expand your perspective, not override your judgment.
Helpful questions to ask include:
There is no single right way to have a relationship. Healthy relationships are not about performing social skills perfectly or following rigid rules. They are about mutual impact, respect, flexibility, and choice.
Learning to evaluate relationships takes time, practice, and permission to make mistakes. Paying attention to patterns—how relationships feel, how effort is shared, and how repair happens—can help you build connections that support your well-being and allow you to be more fully yourself. When uncertainty or discomfort arises, asking for help can provide clarity, perspective, and reassurance as you navigate the relationship.
Jessica Zawacki, Ph.D., BCBA, LBS, RN, is the director of research at ABA Centers and a licensed behavior specialist and registered nurse in Pennsylvania. She has over 15 years of experience working with autistic individuals across nonprofit, clinical, and community-based settings, including leadership roles in adult services and clinical oversight. Her work focuses on translating behavioral science into practical, dignity-centered strategies that support autonomy, emotional well-being, and quality of life across the lifespan. She also teaches and consults nationally and internationally on supervision, training, and evidence-based practice.
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