News and Knowledge

Melissa Archer is a former English teacher, the wife of a police officer, and the mother of five daughters ranging in age from 11 to 35. She recently quit teaching to homeschool her daughter, Jasmynn, 11, who has autism.

Our daughter, Jasmynn, 11, was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3 1/2. She has made a lot of progress since then, but she does not talk in a manner that others understand and there are many situations that are not easy for her (and us as her parents). Learning how to care for and support her has been an education for everyone in our family.

One of the hardest times for us has been holidays. It’s not easy to help people who aren’t familiar with autism and its effects understand why Jasmynn behaves the way she does. She may open a gift and toss it aside immediately. She rarely stays at the dinner table for more than 10 minutes, and, no matter how special a holiday dinner may be for us, she will only eat certain foods.

Some people, understandably, might see this behavior as rude. And, if Jasmynn were a typically developing child, it would be. But for her and many children with autism, this behavior is a way of coping with uncomfortable stimulation and an environment that is difficult for them to process and navigate.
Over the years, we have worked with our family and friends to educate them about autism and what we can all expect during the holidays. And we have worked with Jasmynn, too. These suggestions for making the holidays happy for everyone come from my husband’s and my experience as parents.

Preparing Family and Friends

Provide information about your child in advance. A great place to start is with your holiday cards. Include a page of tips about your child (and autism more generally) with your holiday cards so your guests will have a better idea of what to expect before they arrive. If you are going somewhere else, make sure the hosts get the handout in advance or you speak with them beforehand. I found and have used this letter, which can be modified with specific information about your child.

Pick and choose the events your family will attend. Not every holiday event or activity will work for a child with autism. And as parents, you may also find some holiday gatherings difficult. There are times when it can be very sad to be the parent of a child with autism, especially during the holidays, and it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings. We once went to a party where a two-year-old child would not stop talking. Her mom asked her to be quiet, and all I could think was how much I wished Jasmynn could talk. You can’t avoid those situations entirely, but spending holidays with families and friends who understand your situation, who can empathize, and are willing to accommodate your child will make the holidays better for everyone.

Gift Giving

Share your child’s gift list. People who only have experience with typically developing children may have no idea what to give your child. Jasmynn, for example, loves music, noise-making toys, and technology so we tell people that. It may be that a child has a few very favorite toys and might need to replace one of them. If the gift giver wonders why, explain how much your child loves the item and that replacements come in handy. Clothes are always useful, so those can be included on the list as well. We have also suggested that people purchase specific gifts from online catalogs. One of our favorites is Therapy Shoppe.

Consider asking for gift cards. It’s more likely to take pressure off the gift givers to know they are giving something that will be appreciated. Jasmynn loves music for her iPod Nano, so we ask for iTunes gift cards she can use to download music.

Holiday Events

Host events at your house, if you can. It can be hard to take a child with autism somewhere else for any length of time. It can be even more difficult during the holidays with all the lights, music, food, and activities. When we host something at home, Jasmynn has her room to go to if she needs quiet time.

At someone else’s house, ask if there is a quiet space for your child (and you, if needed). Jasmynn is perfectly happy if she can put on headphones, use either her iPad or iPod and be in a room by herself. If there’s a piece of exercise equipment—a stationary bike, elliptical machine, or treadmill—she can use, we have found that to be helpful for her, too.

Many children with autism have very specific food preferences. Jasmynn, for example, will only eat crunchy food. We always bring a meal we know she can eat with us. If this applies to your child, explain that to your hosts when you speak beforehand, and let them know this is true for many children with autism who have sensitive palates and may not tolerate mashed potatoes or pumpkin pie.

Ask your family and friends to be understanding about clothes. Jasmynn will only wear clothes that are soft and comfortable, so we do not force her to wear “dress up” clothes. When she was a flower girl for her sister’s wedding, she wore sneakers. People tend to be understanding when they know why she prefers the kind of clothes she does.

Make sure the hosts and guests understand that your child may not be able to sit all the way through the meal. A meal can be a sensory nightmare for a child with autism – the noise of flatware on plates, several conversations going on, and all the food smells wafting through the air. We expect Jasmynn to sit with us for grace and to eat. She then uses sign language to ask to be excused, and we allow her to go to a quieter location with less people.

Let family/friends know that your child may not be able to stay while gifts are being unwrapped. As with the holiday dinner, tradition may need to be set aside or modified when a child with autism is involved. Once again, the number of people and the noise of gifts being unwrapped may be too much for him or her to handle.

Our family and friends have been very accommodating to Jasmynn and to us, which has made the holidays much more pleasant for everyone. It’s good to remember that you do have control over what your family does during the holidays. Making the holidays happy ones may take some unconventional ideas, but who cares? It’s worth any additional effort that may be required. Do what you need to do to make the holidays enjoyable, meaningful, and peaceful for everyone in your family.