News and Knowledge

This article has been updated by the author in November 2022. 

Most articles about holiday celebrations focus on helping the autistic individual be prepared for the big day. Yes, it helps to do a social story, show pictures from prior events, and walk them through what to expect. But most of what needs to happen for everyone to have a remarkably beautiful day isn’t about preparing the autistic child or adult. It’s about preparing family and guests to be inclusive.

I am an autistic woman. Unlike many who are on the shy end of the social bell curve, I am an extrovert on steroids. I thrive on activity, socializing, and planning. I’ve hosted many Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other events. It’s wicked hard, with my working memory and executive functioning issues, but I’ve learned to plan ahead and ask for help. With that help, I’ve pulled off some pretty amazing events.

When We Entertain at Our House

When guests come to our house, they soon realize that I am very animated. I love greeting everyone and celebrating. I am always hugely grateful to anyone — including my husband — who cleans up after the event; because I am usually completely done—toast—exhausted!—but happy. It’s worth it, because I love thinking of others and responding to their wants, needs, and desires when entertaining in my home.

When We Are Entertained

One of the benefits of entertaining at home is that my son, who’s also autistic and 32, can have the comfort and predictability of his home. But our place is very small, and most events must happen at other houses within our extended family. I am happy to share what our extended family has learned to do to include my son in the celebrations:

• Give him quiet space. My son needs to have a designated space — an unused family room, basement room, or bedroom for example — that is quiet with few people going in or out. He needs a television or a space where he can sit comfortably with his laptop. He is thrilled if he can watch his movies — they visually wrap around him like a much-loved blanket, providing familiarity and predictability. In the years just prior to Covid, he had left his compound, and joined in for the entire evening but notice; it took nearly 30 years to achieve that. It was only possible because we did not press him earlier on.

• Saying hello works. Other guests may pop in, say hello, and make sure he knows they are thinking of him, but they accept that this is his designated spot. Sometimes his cousins come in to watch TV with him. Now that he joins us for the main event, everyone responds as though he’s been with us all day. I recommend this wherever the individual’s own personal tolerance growth is, in process.

• Let him participate in the ways that work for him. We appreciate when people acknowledge him when he’s in the room, but he’s content on his own. He doesn’t join us for the meal, and we are all okay with that. Our priority isn’t to make him fit into a holiday box, but to be with us as he can. Most recently, he’s become quite fixated on our crazy dice game where we grab and steal white elephant gifts. It’s raucous so we’ve been a bit shocked that he is present. Mostly he feels comfortable and able to participate in his own way.

• Let him bring his food. He has limited food responses due to a lack of taste and smell so he brings his own food. He is hugely grateful when others respect his needs and do not pressure him to “…just try one bite.” The family has come to understand this and anticipates that we will bring his food, his chocolate milk, and his chocolate chip cookies. Sometimes they prepare the cookies for him, and most recently, HE has started preparing both cookies and brownies with a holiday theme, allowing him to contribute in a way that is meaningful for him.

How Can You Make Your Holidays Work?

You don’t need to force your autistic child to change or to demand that the person do what they are unable to do, but rather to prepare those around him and the event space. Finding out what the person needs so that they can remain calm, relaxed, and accepted on their own terms is the most loving and accepting thing a family can do. While it isn’t an easy choice, there are times that it may be necessary to have one parent stay home with the child with autism to provide maximum calmness and so that siblings in the family have the chance to enjoy themselves at the holiday event. You may also need to be prepared to make a hasty exit or even stop to take a nap.

Since he was six, my son has made use of all of these strategies to maintain his equilibrium. As a result, he’s able to participate more and more each year. He adores these events because he loves his family and he loves that they love him enough to respect his needs. He asks all year long, “Who’s hosting, Mom?” Everyone accepts and embraces him for who he is and celebrates his achievements. And he and we all enjoy a wonderful holiday!

BONUS: Mom coming into her own!

Covid has provided me with more alone time than I ever experienced in my life. This article initially appeared a few years ago, and I genuinely believed the person I described above was my true self. Since Covid, I’ve learned to embrace myself as someone who can enjoy groups, but mostly prefers a smaller, more intimate holiday gathering with just my immediate family and “family of choice”. For example, I love small group gatherings with my girlfriends in New York before I come home. I’ve discovered to whom I really matter and who have had me in their lives out of obligation and we no longer gather with them. This change has been somewhat distressing for my Guy, as he is mostly tucked into a bubble of naïve bliss, but he’s older now, and we’ve explained why we’ve narrowed the events. He has been able to go with this significant change.

I encourage all autistic folk to listen to their authentic selves and their beloveds, and to create the holiday that works best for you!

Transforming 20 years of parental advocacy into a systems navigation specialty, Dena Gassner is in the dissertation phase for her Ph.D. in social work in New York. She works as an adjunct professor in autism studies for Towson University. She is ending her first year as an appointee to the Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee (IACC) and has completed multiple publications including her most recent, “Spectrum Women: Walking to the Beat of Autism.”