OARacle Newsletter

I have collected Pokémon cards since I was about five years old. It felt like the most natural thing in the world until high school, when suddenly it didn’t. When I noticed other students had different interests, I tucked that part of myself away, convinced that my interests were something to be ashamed of rather than celebrated. 

But something shifted as I got older. I found my people! Fellow collectors who lit up at the same things I did. This made me realize I had been thinking about friendship all wrong. I didn’t need to sand down my interests to fit in. I needed to lean into them and find friends who shared them. 

The friends who have mattered most in my life aren’t the ones I tried hardest to impress. They’re the ones who showed up because of who I actually am. 

This idea sits at the heart of PEERS®, an evidence-based social skills program developed by Elizabeth Laugeson, Ph.D., at UCLA to help teens and young adults build meaningful relationships. One of its central principles is simple but powerful: the strongest friendships are built on common interests. When you lead with what you genuinely love, you naturally attract people who get you. And that’s where real connection begins. 

So if you’re a teen who has ever felt pressure to hide your passions or perform a version of yourself to be accepted, this message is for you. Authentic connection doesn’t require you to hide your interests. It requires you to embrace them! 

Finding Your Crowd

So how do you actually find your people? It starts with being strategic about where you look. 

Think about it this way: if you love Pokémon like me, you’re far more likely to find a fellow fan at a card shop or trading event than at a football game. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with football, it just means that putting yourself in spaces built around your genuine interests gives you a much better shot at meeting someone who gets you. Look for clubs, local events, classes, or even online communities focused on what you actually love. That’s where your people are most likely to be. 

For many autistic teens, finding a crowd of fellow neurodivergent folks can be especially powerful. Spaces like neurodiversity groups, autism community events, or other similar places offer a space where unique ways of experiencing the world aren’t just accepted, they’re celebrated. If you haven’t explored these spaces, they might be worth seeking out in addition to communities focused on your interests. 

Here’s another truth that can be hard to hear but is ultimately freeing: friendship is a choice. We don’t get to be friends with everyone, and not everyone gets to be friends with us. Someone who mocks my interests or makes me feel embarrassed for loving what I love will not be a good friend. That’s not a personal failure. That’s useful information. 

This is where many of us get tripped up. We sacrifice parts of ourselves by trying to earn acceptance. When I was a teen, I joined the basketball team hoping to fit in. The problem was that I was stuck doing something I didn’t enjoy, surrounded by people who I didn’t have common interests with, and ultimately had less time to find the ones who would.  

Adapting how we present ourselves in certain situations is okay (although I may want to, I don’t play Pokémon during work meetings). Abandoning what makes us us is a different thing altogether. Sacrificing our authenticity for acceptance rarely leads to the genuine connection we really crave. As Oscar Wilde put it: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

Finding your crowd doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a lot of trial and error to find the right space for you. Even Goldilocks had to try three bowls of porridge before finding one that was just right. That’s part of the process. 

What matters is that you keep showing up as yourself. The interests that feel out of place in one space might be exactly what makes you a great friend in another space. Your interests aren’t obstacles to friendships; they are the path to making friends. 

For Parents

Support your teen by helping them identify and pursue activities and social spaces that are based on their interests. Rather than encouraging them to simply “put themselves out there,” help them think strategically about where to put themselves out there. The goal isn’t a wide social circle but rather finding even one or two people who truly connect with your teen for who they are. 

If you are a teen reading this who has been hiding parts of yourself to fit in: your crowd is out there. Go find it! 

In addition to being an avid Pokémon card collector, Dr. Blake Warner (he/him) is the chief clinical fellow at the UCLA PEERS® Clinic, where he leads social skills programming for teens, parents, and adults. He earned his doctorate from the University of South Dakota with a dual specialization in clinical and disaster psychology. His broader research interests focus on expanding access to the PEERS® program for underserved populations, including his dissertation work implementing PEERS® in rural settings and future plans to adapt the program for the LGBTQ+ community.