News and Knowledge

When an acquaintance from my childhood showed up on my Facebook Messenger app, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, despite the fact that back then she had never gone out of her way to treat me with kindness. Now that we were in our thirties, I thought it would be hypocritical to judge someone on what they were like nearly two decades ago.

At first, she seemed genuinely interested in extending her friendship. Then I received this message from her: “Listen, Jesse!  I hate to ask you this but I need 40 dollars to pay my rent. I will pay you back with my next paycheck from the hotel.” My open mind quickly turned to anger as I recalled other times individuals successfully took advantage of my trusting nature. If I had loaned her the money, I was certain both the money and this new “friend” would have disappeared forever.

This incident reminded me of what genuine friendship looks like and how real friends behave. A real friend is there for you not only during times of convenience or because they want something. These are some of the characteristics of genuine friends who are interested in friendship and not in exploiting your generosity:

• A real friend will not take offense too strongly or for very long when we make a tactfully worded complaint or criticism. One of my closest friends has a habit of constantly sucking on his fingers while eating a meal and making an obnoxiously loud sucking sound. During a meal of wings at a sports bar, I could not take it any longer, having tolerated it for years. He took my criticism like a gentleman, and we moved on as he made an effort not to do it as much. I also took it in stride when my good friend from college told me that my car smells “like a corpse.” Real friends are honest like the boy in “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”

• On the other hand, a real friend should accept us for who we are and not offer criticism at every turn. Our friends should not make us feel like we must filter every word of dialogue and live in fear of making a mistake. If you have a friend who always criticizes your voice, choice of job, manner of dress, and everything else they can find, that friendship is more accurately described as masochism.

• Real friends do for others without always expecting something in return. Whether it is feeding a friend’s cat, giving them rides when their car breaks down, babysitting their kids, or helping them move furniture, favors are a part of friendship. But those favors should not be a one-way street. It is time to question the friendship if you are always the doer of favors and never the receiver.

• Weirdness can be wonderful to some on the autism spectrum. Unfortunately, we live in a world where our careers and other realities of adulthood force us to hide that weirdness in a professional setting. A true friend will not berate you for wanting to relive your childhood at a children’s water park or even Chuck E. Cheese. In fact, ideally, they should join you. One of my friends flew from Texas to go trick or treating with me in my childhood neighborhood even though we were both in our early thirties at the time. I needed her so I would not look so odd by myself, and she needed me to make up for lost time, since her religion did not allow such candy-laden adventures in her childhood.

People on the autism spectrum often live in a drought of friendships. Contrary to persistent myths that it is not important to us, we desperately want to be part of the social world and have relationships beyond a love affair with technology or anime culture. We deserve people who treat us like the fun and loving people we are. If you have your eyes open for those genuine friends, you will make your own luck by finding them in your place of employment or while volunteering in your community. Other times they will fall into your life as randomly and perfectly as a baseball arcing in your direction during a major league ballgame when you are not looking or trying.

Jesse A. Saperstein was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome at age 14 after years of unresolved social difficulties.  He graduated from Hobart and William Smith Colleges in 2004 with a bachelor’s degree in English.  His first memoir, “Atypical” was published in 2010, and his self-help book, “Getting a Life with Asperger’s” followed in 2014.  He is currently the media and activities liaison for The College Experience in Albany, N.Y. where he works with students who have intellectual challenges. In 2005 Jesse completed a 2,174-mile hike of the Appalachian Trail to benefit a Pediatric AIDS Foundation.