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One of my all-time favorite military leaders is General Colin Powell whose lessons in leadership, selfless service, and diplomacy have helped me navigate our family journey and my own personal journey of work, advocacy, and leadership at our local, state, regional, and national level. Gen. Powell’s principles have resonated deeply with me as I work with individuals, families, therapists, educators, and government representatives.

Working through the complexities of life with autism and its many aspects is like fighting an asymmetric war. You never know what the next target is, who the next enemy or ally may be, or when the next ever present critical need will surface to bring all of the players to the table to coordinate actions and deconflict interests.

The Beginning of My Lessons

Our family’s “not so normal” military life started when I was pregnant with triplets over nine years ago while we were assigned in England. Born premature at 30 weeks, our two daughters, Alexis and Samantha, and son, Christian, came into this world by an emergency C-section. They spent almost two months in the NICU as their lungs and their ability to feed without a feeding tube developed.

Six months later, we moved back to the United States, specifically New Jersey. It was there, while the babies and I were living with my father-in-law and DJ was on his second one-year deployment to Iraq that I started seeing the signs in Christian, who was 18 months old:  playing with toys in a non-functional manner, spinning wheels, staring at blinking lights, not responding to his name, not engaging with us, or playing typical baby games.

My heart and intuition as a mother told me that there was something “not normal.” I knew we would need to face this new unexpected turn in our life head on, so I started investigating, reading, and researching.

We received our new assignment while DJ was still in Iraq, so I moved into our new home in Northern Virginia and prepared for his return. He came home and tried to quickly “get to know” our children, and we began the struggle of reintegration as a family.

Powell Leadership Lesson 1: “Get Mad, Then Get Over It.”

Five months later, we got the diagnosis of autism. Yes, emotions run high and strong and we need to respect and validate feelings, but then it was time to mobilize and take action.

This lesson gets repeated often, very often: when you move, with each new therapist, when you lose services and therapy hours, when your child starts school, when there are signs of regression, at every IEP meeting, and on and on. You rapidly master this lesson.

Powell Leadership Lesson 2: “Share Credit.”

Through the blur of emotions, I recall our very wise developmental pediatrician saying, “I don’t have a magic crystal ball, no one does, and we don’t know exactly what will help. Each child is so different. What we do know is that applied behavior analysis (ABA), speech, occupational, and physical therapies are typically prescribed and can help.”

I cobbled together a program of all those therapies that I was told would give our son the best possible chance for a “normal” life. Christian was just a little over 2 years old and not speaking at all. I threw myself into learning everything I could about the variety of therapies, treatments, and diets. I attended every speech and occupational therapy session.

Autism and specials needs impacts us all and is absolutely a family and community effort, so many players, so many partners all working together, sharing the trials, the frustrations, the progress, and the setbacks.

Here was my first leadership challenge, as I spoke with many parents who were facing their own personal struggles at different ages and stages. I realized that Team Reyes had joined a new army. As this army faced its enemy, which besieged each child in a unique way, every member of the army learned, developed, and matured. And as we did, our war changed, from personal to global, helping not just ourselves but others navigate and find hope through support, education, advocacy, information, shared resources, and experiences.

Powell Leadership Lesson 3: “No Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy.”

When we moved to Augusta, Ga., I had already done my homework and lined up the only therapist that took Tricare. You know what comes next. The ABA program, the cornerstone of our therapy plan, was just not effective. Christian, who had made amazing gains in Northern Virginia in only six months, started to regress and backslide with his behavior and verbal skills.

However, we wouldn’t give up nor would we give in. We searched in vain for another provider who would accept our insurance and pieced together another cooperative team that would help Christian and Team Reyes. When one door closes, another opens. We all experienced two years of great progress and much personal and professional growth.

Powell Leadership Lesson 4: “Don’t Be Afraid to Challenge the Pros, Even in Their Own Backyard.”

When our children were 5 ½ years old, we moved to Tampa, Fla., and DJ deployed for another year in Afghanistan. Christian attended an inclusive preschool and our Team Reyes was rebuilt again with ABA, speech, and occupational therapists. It all worked well for a while but then came the public school system, where working in tandem and collaboratively was difficult. Some therapy services became ineffective through loss of hours, staff turnover, and the inability to bridge therapy and the educational and academic elements.

Our Team Reyes remade itself with members of our family, educators, and some amazing community partners, all open and receptive to learning how to grow, serve, and teach children and students with autism and other special needs.

We have had to tweak and adjust as needed and as we go, resulting in great cooperation and sharing of resources and strategies. As a team, we had to tackle it all, from the simple labeling and requesting, sharing and taking turns, waiting, and potty training to going to the movies, attending church, playing games, riding bikes, going to school, doing homework, and developing friendships.

Powell Leadership Lesson 5: “Perpetual Optimism is a Force Multiplier.”

Our challenges have allowed us to experience both heartache and joy. To hear your child speak and communicate in some way and eventually converse, when you have lived through the worry that this would never happen, is something only we as special needs parents can ever experience.

Staying the positive course, pushing forward, challenging the status quo, the labels, going with your “gut” is hard, tiring, and difficult. Through the years and presently, I have been fortunate to be involved in many community activities at the state level, and on Capitol Hill. Having the chance to lead, advocate, educate, and share so that others can perhaps gain encouragement, support, and the will to “stand firm” is rewarding beyond measure.

Powell Leadership Lesson 6: “Remain Calm. Be Kind.”

Christian is 9 years old, in 3rd grade, and is “Mr. Minecraft.” He is an excellent math student, tutoring his sisters in this subject. On the other hand, he needs a reading comprehension program and he’s not the next Picasso. In other words, Christian has his unique talents and abilities just as we all do, and he is still a work in progress, like his sisters.

He is already learning self-advocacy and his sisters are learning that, even as 9-year-olds, they play a huge part in helping their peers learn, include, and embrace everyone’s amazing differences. Make no mistake, it isn’t always happy, happy, joy, joy, it’s difficult and challenging, that’s life. We live, we learn, and we love.

Your Leadership Challenge

There is much work to be done. I encourage you to share your story, your experiences, and your lessons. Teach and enlighten others, and help debunk the myths and mysteries of autism. The future will be bright and full of more possibilities as we work together. We need to continue to lead and fight the good fight now, for the future of all children, our current young adults, and adults on the spectrum. We parents, families, and community partners have been prepared and life tested to be the leaders in this arena. If not you, who? If not now, when?  The time is now.

DJ and Julie Reyes and their three children now live in Tampa, Fla., after DJ’s 33-year career in the U.S. Army and many moves. In April 2013, DJ and Julie founded Cuspis Vir Consulting, LLC. As business consultants, strategic planners, advocates, and community leaders, they work with individuals and business and community resources for the special needs and veteran communities. Julie has over 23 years of corporate and nonprofit experience and DJ, over three decades of service as a military officer. Together, they effectively leverage their professional, military, and personal experiences to train, coach, and mentor individuals, organizations, and businesses.