Perspective

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome when I was a freshman at an arts-based school for students with learning differences, but I was not told about that diagnosis until I was a junior.

The same year that I was diagnosed, my mom died of melanoma. She was only in her 50s. It was challenging to express what I was feeling and connect emotionally with family in our grief. Not knowing my diagnosis made it difficult for me to understand why other people were not experiencing the same level of grief as I was. Later, knowing about theory of mind challenges, I realized that they had a different type of connection with my mom than I did.

In the years prior to being told of my diagnosis, I also wondered why I struggled socially to connect with others, especially with my same-aged peers. I don’t have any siblings so I spent most of my time with my parents and their adult friends and colleagues until I went to college. One perk of this was getting a head start with my etiquette skills and becoming used to speaking with bosses and supervisors.

While I wanted an answer to why I struggled, I also didn’t want to know (and didn’t ask) because I was afraid of being labeled again, given that I was already at a special education school.

When I did find out, I didn’t accept the diagnosis immediately. Autism self-acceptance came with time. Denying my Asperger’s only made social interaction more difficult. For a brief period, I remember purposefully ignoring people’s social feedback, not picking up on the other person’s body language, for example, or how others might interpret my behavior. Eventually I began reading books about body language. I also read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, and watched the show “Lie to Me.” I learned about handwriting analysis to help me better “read” people and the trick of looking at people in between their eyes. I still have difficulty with direct eye contact.

My diagnosis is not the central part of my identity, but rather a part of it. I’ve been fortunate with autism acceptance from others. For example, when I worked as a cashier at a store when I was home from college during summer breaks, a customer cursed at me for using a calculator to re-calculate their change. I’m not a mathematical thinker and calculating cash change in my head is difficult. The assistant manager heard what happened and took my side. I had not disclosed my diagnosis, but I disclosed my challenges.

Another time, a schoolmate of mine from high school and I met each other again on Halloween in 2015, when I had begun my transgender transition. She learned about autism and transgender people in some classes in college, she told me, and couldn’t imagine the struggles I’ve experienced, especially prior to diagnosis and pre-transition. She gave me a wrap-around bracelet to help with the fashion aspect of my transition and said she hoped it wouldn’t affect my tactile sensory sensitivities. I don’t like loose, dangling jewelry. I was positively touched by what she did and said.

I’m seeing autism acceptance more and more. I have read articles about how employers and places of business are becoming more open to hiring people with autism and other intellectual and developmental disabilities. Law enforcement departments are becoming better educated; there is a mandate for law enforcement in Maryland to receive training on interacting with people with disabilities. I hear every now and then of schools hosting autism-related events and trainings for faculty and students; my alma mater has begun to include autism ally training during freshman orientation.

Since graduating from college, I’ve been working to support people with autism and other developmental disabilities and differences. I sometimes disclose to the people I work with and those on my caseload that I have Asperger’s to give them a sense of where I am coming from, and this often demonstrates the success that people with autism are capable of achieving and gives them confidence in what I am doing.

As autism awareness grows, the path has been laid for autism acceptance. In my experience, for a person with autism to be fully accepted by others, they must come to terms with autism themselves first.

Elizabeth Graham has worked in direct care providing community-based residential support to adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities and in service coordination for children with autism. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology with a minor in counseling from Marshall University where she received support from the College Program for Students with Autism. She interned and volunteered supporting people with mental health challenges and with families of hospice patients and grief support groups. She resides in Maryland, near Washington, D.C., is active in her church, and plays the accordion as a hobby.