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“Be yourself” is something we hear every day. Yet, it seems that whenever we do something stereotypically “autistic,” we are judged: “What’s that weird girl over there doing? Did anyone teach her manners?” So we ignore the advice to be ourselves.

College can be difficult since it is our first time living on our own. This makes any discrimination, adversity, and judgment we face even harder to endure. Honestly, the best thing I do to cope with — and combat — these challenges, as cheesy as it sounds, is to be myself. Being yourself is easier said than done. In college, you may be pressured to fit in with the rest of your peers. However, this can take a huge toll on your physical and mental health. Instead, the best strategy is to stand up for yourself. Here’s how.

Learn to Say “No” to Uncomfortable Social Events

Sometimes, standing up for yourself simply means saying “no” to activities you don’t feel comfortable with. For example, you may continually go to noisy, crowded parties even though they can cause sensory overload, and you don’t like being around people too often. If you do not enjoy these types of parties, give yourself permission to say “no” the next time a party comes around.

At first, some peers might try to pressure you into going and consider you a “loser” or “lame” for staying home, but as long as you are enjoying yourself, that is all that matters. Your wellness is more important than a party. After declining the invitation, suggest fun activities that take place in more controlled settings that you are more comfortable with. You can continue to stay social and let others know you still enjoy spending time with them.

As I mentioned earlier, it is okay to say “no” to things that make you uncomfortable. However, you can’t say “no” to taking an important exam or going to lectures. There are other strategies you can employ for required activities like classes and tests.

Seek Accommodations          

Another method of standing up for yourself is asking for accommodations if you need them. For example, you may need to take a test in a distraction-reduced environment, or you may need an assigned note-taker so that your attention isn’t divided between writing down notes and listening to the lecture. Such accommodations are important to help you stay on track and level the playing field with your classmates.

Figure Out What Works for You

Sometimes formal accommodations cannot be made, especially if you are outside the classroom. For example, my residence hall had quiet hours from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. most days, but sometimes my dorm mates were very loud outside of quiet hours. I came up with my own coping skills for this situation, such as putting headphones on or going to the study room in my residence hall or the campus library.

If you are in a situation where you cannot use accommodations, figure out what works for you. Do you need a quiet place to work? Do you need to stim? Do you need a break from a situation? Feel free to do anything that works for you.

Love Your (Autistic) Self      

Once you’ve found ways to stand up for yourself, you may find that you are much more confident. However, this does not change the fact that you may still encounter discrimination and adversity. After learning to stand up for myself, I learned to love myself. Loving and embracing yourself for who you are can help you rise above negative people and experiences.

You Are Not Alone

Part of learning to love yourself is realizing you are not alone. I was at Welcome Week when I met my now best friend from college during an activity. We weren’t on the same team, but eventually we ran into each other at a club meeting and decided to go to the dining hall afterwards. It turned out that he was also on the autism spectrum! For once, I was not alone.

Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be lucky enough to run into fellow autistic self-advocates. See if your school has a support group for self-advocates, join your local chapter of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), or find online support groups.

In general, surround yourself with people who understand, love, and accept you for who you are, and you will eventually love and accept yourself.

Once I learned to stand up for myself and love myself, discrimination seemed trivial in my everyday life. So, to the person who asked, “What’s that weird girl over there doing?” my response is, “Come sit with me and I’ll tell you about stimming. I’m ‘weird,’ but I’m also intelligent, witty, and I love cats.”

To quote Temple Grandin, prominent speaker on autism and animal behavior, I’m “different, not less.”

Kathleen Burkhardt is a recipient of OAR’s 2015 Schwallie Family Scholarship and is a junior at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York. She is currently studying computer and systems engineering in hopes of becoming a software engineer. She continues to advocate for herself and the rest of the autistic community.