College Central

This author offers advice on the importance of maintaining your independence to maintain healthy romantic relationships.

I can still remember what he smelled like. That musky, Old Spice-like fragrance that filled my senses every time we embraced. In the past, it would’ve been too overpowering for me to handle, but on him, it took on a new kind of appeal.

At 19 years old, as a freshman in college, I finally had my first boyfriend. That smell is one of the few things about him that has stayed with me since our breakup long ago. Being autistic, I’ve always had a heightened sensitivity to scents, both good and bad. But there was one thing that I couldn’t smell: trouble.

When I was dating my boyfriend at the time, I didn’t stop to ask myself if I was happy. It was supposed to be a given; I am in a relationship, therefore I am happy. I was also inexperienced, and he had dated other girls before me, so I believed that I had no choice but to defer to him. Almost every thought, every action I took was centered on pleasing him, partaking in his hobbies, going to the restaurants that he liked. In many ways, I wasn’t my own person.

Some autistic people want to date and be involved in romantic relationships, and some don’t. But for those that do, always remember that a relationship has two people in it. Your needs and feelings matter just as much as your partner’s, and any relationship that strongly caters to one person over the other cannot be equal or healthy.  Being in a relationship can be a wonderful thing, but it’s not just about playing the part of girlfriend or boyfriend; it’s about being loved and appreciated for who you are.

You will have choices to make in a relationship–some that are good, and some that are more challenging. Where to go out on dates, when to meet each other’s parents, and whether or not to become sexually active are all choices that people who are dating have to make. Sometimes you might look around and feel like everyone but you has things figured out, and that you don’t know what you’re doing. But here’s the big secret that no one ever reveals: neurotypicals don’t always know what they’re doing when it comes to dating, either. They just make mistakes and try their best to learn from them.

As it turned out, that musk-smelling boy dumped me. Twice. I don’t miss him, but I am grateful for the lessons I learned. After all, that’s what college is all about: learning and experiencing new things. Some classes you might excel in, while others may be more of a struggle. The same is true when it comes to relationships. Ending a relationship does not make you a failure. It only means that they weren’t right for you. As a result of that experience, you will grow, move on, and be ready to meet someone who is. 

Amy Gravino, M.A., is a Certified Autism Specialist and the president of A.S.C.O.T. Coaching. Amy offers autism consulting, mentoring, and college coaching services for individuals on the autism spectrum. Amy is a professional national speaker and currently serves on several boards of autism organizations. Amy Gravino is now authoring The Naughty Autie, a memoir of her experiences with dating, relationships, and sexuality from the firsthand perspective of a woman on the autism spectrum.