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I grew up in a time when mental conditions were mostly used as insults, so I never considered that autism or ADHD could apply to me. I often misunderstood other people’s reactions, yet I assumed everyone felt the same, but hid their struggles better than I could. I thought I was simply bad at being normal. 

Misunderstood by the People Closest to Me 

In elementary school, teachers praised my grades but criticized my behavior. I was an honor roll student, yet I frequently interrupted class and lacked focus. Educators often thought I was purposely misbehaving and refusing to learn.  

At the same time, I lost friends over unintentional social offenses, and they couldn’t believe that I genuinely lacked the ability to identify emotions. Like my educators, my friends often mistook my behavior as rude and believed I acted that way on purpose.  

At home, my parents responded to my struggles with physical and verbal abuse. They labeled me lazy, picky, overly sensitive, and addicted to my interests. Our house looked comfortable from the outside, yet clutter covered every space, and cockroaches appeared regularly. My sister avoided inviting friends to our house out of embarrassment. I struggled with overstimulation and insomnia long before I had language for either. 

When I Asked for Therapy, My Parents Said I Was “Too Spoiled” 

Around age eleven, I knew something felt wrong, even if I lacked the words to describe it. Blood tests came back normal, but I felt exhausted every day. School counselors talked about mental health and suggested I ask my parents for help, so I followed their advice and asked for therapy. My parents angrily asked what I possibly had to feel depressed about. 

From that moment forward, my parents decided I was “too spoiled” and escalated punishment. They removed my “addictive” hobbies, dismissed my dietary intolerances, and minimized my symptoms during medical appointments.  

By age thirteen, my father beat me an average of four times a week for a year straight. My physical “punishments” stopped after that year, but the verbal abuse continued well into adulthood. I coped by hiding my interests and dissociating through most of high school. I did not fully remember that year until I turned eighteen, and even then, I lacked the financial means to leave. 

In high school, I had “friends” who “jokingly” called me the “r-slur” or even accused me of drug use, even though I never did. They framed their behavior as humor, and I accepted that behavior until I mirrored it and faced backlash. This led to one-sided relationships where they “joked” about me while I didn’t do the same back, and I lacked the social awareness to recognize that this was not friendship. 

Late Diagnosis and Reframing Myself 

Even as an adult, I assumed my struggles matched a universal baseline. When friends spoke openly about autism or ADHD, I listened and thought, “Doesn’t everyone struggle like this?”  

My belief began to crack after my first job following college graduation. I worked at a well-known tech retailer full of constant social interaction, multitasking, irregular schedules, and pressure to upsell. I overexerted myself so much that I often uncontrollably stayed awake for more than thirty hours straight. I thought everyone lived in constant exhaustion until I asked around, but most of my coworkers did not. 

At age twenty-five, a doctor finally took my symptoms seriously and referred me to therapy for depression. After months of assessment, my “depression” expanded into diagnoses of autism, ADHD, complex PTSD, uneven giftedness, and an autoimmune disease.  

I felt acceptance, but also grief. I’m not inherently lazy, picky, overly sensitive, addicted to my interests, or purposely refusing to learn. I am twice-exceptional, medically neglected, and abused. 

Learning to Become the Adult I Needed Growing Up 

Now at age twenty-eight, I live in a safe home, and I’m working toward a life that fits me. All of me. In the past, I hid my interests, nearly failed math classes, and believed I was bad at normal life. Today, I hold a master’s degree in data science and completed a capstone project focused on autism and ADHD. I aim to build a life where I can contribute to research that helps people understand their cognition, especially when environments leave important questions unanswered.

When I look back at my upbringing, I learned that curiosity and understanding change outcomes. Sometimes strengths can hide disorders, and disorders can hide strengths, but I truly believe that no one wants to live their worst life on purpose. I hope fewer kids spend years thinking that they failed at normal life, and more kids grow up knowing they simply needed understanding.

Sarah, also known as “Sawuh” or “Sawpy,” is a graduate assistant at Texas Woman’s University with a background in data science, IT support, and retail. Her academic interests include psychological assessment, translational research, neurodevelopmental conditions, and cognitive profile variability, especially for autistic and ADHD women. Sarah writes from lived experience and aims to pursue advanced training in psychological assessment research.  

Outside of school and work, Sarah volunteers for non-profit peer support groups and crisis lines. In her free time, she enjoys categorizing information, taking personality tests, playing multiplayer PC games, and spending time with cats.  

Website: https://sawpy.github.io/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sawpy/ 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sawuhs/